Interview With A Quantum Vampire

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electroclash, dark synth-pop

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Interview With a Quantum Vampire

[Intro — late-night electronic atmosphere, soft analog pulse, distant vinyl hiss, eerie but playful synth]

[Male Interviewer]
So, Luna, thank you for being here tonight.
First question:
Are you actually a vampire?

[Female Luna]
Yes.

[Male Interviewer]
Really?

[Female Luna]
Really.

[Male Interviewer]
How old are you?

[Female Luna]
That depends.

[Male Interviewer]
On what?

[Female Luna]
Which universe you're counting.

[Beat drops into a playful electro-pop groove]

[Male Interviewer]
Do you drink blood?

[Female Luna]
Sometimes I think about it.
Sometimes I don't.
Mostly I drink moonlight
And things with little umbrellas.

[Male Interviewer]
So you don't drink blood?

[Female Luna]
I didn't say that.

[Male Interviewer]
What do you turn into?

[Female Luna]
Anything I want.
Bat.
Cat.
Cloud.
Tiny quantum probability.
Once I turned into a toaster.

[Male Interviewer]
Why?

[Female Luna]
I wanted toast.

[Playful synth flourish]

[Male Interviewer]
Can you fly?

[Female Luna]
Absolutely.

[Male Interviewer]
With wings?

[Female Luna]
No.

[Male Interviewer]
How?

[Female Luna]
I simply disagree with gravity.

[Male Interviewer]
Can you teleport?

[Female Luna]
Yes.

[Male Interviewer]
Time travel?

[Female Luna]
Yes.

[Male Interviewer]
Travel between universes?

[Female Luna]
Yes.

[Male Interviewer]
And you call yourself a vampire?

[Female Luna]
Well...
I have the fangs.

[Male Interviewer]
You have fangs?

[Female Luna]
Look.

[Short pause]

[Female Luna]
Cute, aren't they?

[Male Interviewer]
Very.

[Female Luna]
Thank you.

[Male Interviewer]
Do vampires have reflections?

[Female Luna]
I don't know.
I've never seen mine.

[Male Interviewer]
Are you afraid of sunlight?

[Female Luna]
Terrified.

[Male Interviewer]
Because it burns you?

[Female Luna]
No.
Because it's morning.

[Male Interviewer]
What's wrong with morning?

[Female Luna]
Everything.

[Drums grow larger, bass becomes bouncy and mischievous]

[Male Interviewer]
Do you sleep in a coffin?

[Female Luna]
Sometimes.

[Male Interviewer]
Comfortable?

[Female Luna]
Surprisingly.
It's basically a tiny bed
With excellent branding.

[Male Interviewer]
Do you have a castle?

[Female Luna]
Several.

[Male Interviewer]
Do you have servants?

[Female Luna]
No.

[Male Interviewer]
Why not?

[Female Luna]
I have cats.

[Male Interviewer]
Are they your pets?

[Female Luna]
No.

[Male Interviewer]
Then what are they?

[Female Luna]
Management.

[Brief instrumental break — chopped synths, whispered vocal textures, distant laughter]

[Male Interviewer]
One last question.
What makes you a quantum vampire?

[Female Luna]
I'm everywhere
Until you look.

I'm here.
I'm there.
I'm somewhere else instead.

I can cross a universe
Between two heartbeats.

I can bite probability
And make the future bleed.

[Male Interviewer]
That's not scientifically accurate.

[Female Luna]
Neither is being a vampire.

[Male Interviewer]
Fair point.

[Bridge — music strips down to deep bass pulse, eerie pads, telephone-filtered interview voices]

[Male Interviewer]
Actually, Luna...
The title is
"Interview With a Quantum Vampire."

[Female Luna]
I know.

[Male Interviewer]
Shouldn't it be
"Interview With THE Quantum Vampire"?

[Female Luna]
YES!

I KNOW!

It's "the."
Not "a."

The Mandela Effect changed it.

I remember.

You remember.

Everybody remembers it differently.

Someone changed the timeline
And forgot to tell the vampire.

[Sudden silence]

[Male Interviewer]
So what was the original title?

[Female Luna]
"The."

[Male Interviewer]
Are you sure?

[Female Luna]
I'm quantum.

I am extremely sure
About things I cannot prove.

[Beat slams back in — energetic dark electro groove]

[Male Interviewer]
Last question.
Are you dangerous?

[Female Luna]
Only to boring parties.

[Male Interviewer]
Do you bite?

[Female Luna]
Maybe.

[Male Interviewer]
Should I be worried?

[Female Luna]
Only if you have a nice neck.

[Male Interviewer]
Luna—

[Female Luna]
Next question!

[Final Chorus — bright, manic electro-vampire groove, layered female vocals]

[Female Luna]
I'm a quantum vampire
Underneath the moon
I'm a quantum vampire
I'll be leaving soon

I'm in your universe
Then I'm in number two
I'm a quantum vampire
And I just interviewed you

[Male Interviewer]
Wait.
Who was interviewing who?

[Female Luna]
Exactly.

[Outro — synths fading, distant bat squeak]

[Male Interviewer]
I don't think that was an interview.

[Female Luna]
Goodnight!

[Door slam]

[Final whispered female vocal]
It was "the."

[End]

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Interview With a Quantum Vampire [Intro — late-night electronic atmosphere, soft analog pulse, distant vinyl hiss, eerie but playful synth] [Male Interviewer] So, Luna, thank you for being here tonight. First question: Are you actually a vampire? [Female Luna] Yes. [Male Interviewer] Really? [Female Luna] Really. [Male Interviewer] How old are you? [Female Luna] That depends. [Male Interviewer] On what? [Female Luna] Which universe you're counting. [Beat drops into a playful electro-pop groove] [Male Interviewer] Do you drink blood? [Female Luna] Sometimes I think about it. Sometimes I don't. Mostly I drink moonlight And things with little umbrellas. [Male Interviewer] So you don't drink blood? [Female Luna] I didn't say that. [Male Interviewer] What do you turn into? [Female Luna] Anything I want. Bat. Cat. Cloud. Tiny quantum probability. Once I turned into a toaster. [Male Interviewer] Why? [Female Luna] I wanted toast. [Playful synth flourish] [Male Interviewer] Can you fly? [Female Luna] Absolutely. [Male Interviewer] With wings? [Female Luna] No. [Male Interviewer] How? [Female Luna] I simply disagree with gravity. [Male Interviewer] Can you teleport? [Female Luna] Yes. [Male Interviewer] Time travel? [Female Luna] Yes. [Male Interviewer] Travel between universes? [Female Luna] Yes. [Male Interviewer] And you call yourself a vampire? [Female Luna] Well... I have the fangs. [Male Interviewer] You have fangs? [Female Luna] Look. [Short pause] [Female Luna] Cute, aren't they? [Male Interviewer] Very. [Female Luna] Thank you. [Male Interviewer] Do vampires have reflections? [Female Luna] I don't know. I've never seen mine. [Male Interviewer] Are you afraid of sunlight? [Female Luna] Terrified. [Male Interviewer] Because it burns you? [Female Luna] No. Because it's morning. [Male Interviewer] What's wrong with morning? [Female Luna] Everything. [Drums grow larger, bass becomes bouncy and mischievous] [Male Interviewer] Do you sleep in a coffin? [Female Luna] Sometimes. [Male Interviewer] Comfortable? [Female Luna] Surprisingly. It's basically a tiny bed With excellent branding. [Male Interviewer] Do you have a castle? [Female Luna] Several. [Male Interviewer] Do you have servants? [Female Luna] No. [Male Interviewer] Why not? [Female Luna] I have cats. [Male Interviewer] Are they your pets? [Female Luna] No. [Male Interviewer] Then what are they? [Female Luna] Management. [Brief instrumental break — chopped synths, whispered vocal textures, distant laughter] [Male Interviewer] One last question. What makes you a quantum vampire? [Female Luna] I'm everywhere Until you look. I'm here. I'm there. I'm somewhere else instead. I can cross a universe Between two heartbeats. I can bite probability And make the future bleed. [Male Interviewer] That's not scientifically accurate. [Female Luna] Neither is being a vampire. [Male Interviewer] Fair point. [Bridge — music strips down to deep bass pulse, eerie pads, telephone-filtered interview voices] [Male Interviewer] Actually, Luna... The title is "Interview With a Quantum Vampire." [Female Luna] I know. [Male Interviewer] Shouldn't it be "Interview With THE Quantum Vampire"? [Female Luna] YES! I KNOW! It's "the." Not "a." The Mandela Effect changed it. I remember. You remember. Everybody remembers it differently. Someone changed the timeline And forgot to tell the vampire. [Sudden silence] [Male Interviewer] So what was the original title? [Female Luna] "The." [Male Interviewer] Are you sure? [Female Luna] I'm quantum. I am extremely sure About things I cannot prove. [Beat slams back in — energetic dark electro groove] [Male Interviewer] Last question. Are you dangerous? [Female Luna] Only to boring parties. [Male Interviewer] Do you bite? [Female Luna] Maybe. [Male Interviewer] Should I be worried? [Female Luna] Only if you have a nice neck. [Male Interviewer] Luna— [Female Luna] Next question! [Final Chorus — bright, manic electro-vampire groove, layered female vocals] [Female Luna] I'm a quantum vampire Underneath the moon I'm a quantum vampire I'll be leaving soon I'm in your universe Then I'm in number two I'm a quantum vampire And I just interviewed you [Male Interviewer] Wait. Who was interviewing who? [Female Luna] Exactly. [Outro — synths fading, distant bat squeak] [Male Interviewer] I don't think that was an interview. [Female Luna] Goodnight! [Door slam] [Final whispered female vocal] It was "the." [End]

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