TEMU CONFIDENTIAL

[INTRO — spoken, reverb-heavy, state broadcast cadence] Good evening. We have obtained critical intelligence. Seller rating: four point eight stars. Free shipping on orders over thirty-five dollars. [VERSE 1] Soldier designation: Tom Unit: classified Threat level: domestic His secrets have been acquired For the low price of eleven ninety-nine Tom does not wear regulation underwear Tom wears the American flag Across his backside every morning He salutes himself in the mirror We have the photographs We have the photographs [PRE-CHORUS] This information changes everything The balance of power The fabric of nations The fabric of Tom [CHORUS] Add to cart Add to cart State secrets — limited stock Add to cart Your order has shipped In six to eleven business days The enemy will know [VERSE 2] Soldier designation: Chu Unit: signals intelligence Threat level: moderate His vulnerabilities have been documented Reviewed by twelve thousand customers Chu does not monitor enemy transmissions after hours Chu monitors charts Specifically the comeback album Of a four-member group from Seoul He knows every dance He knows every dance [PRE-CHORUS] This information changes everything The morale of our forces The shame of his unit The choreography of his unit [CHORUS] Add to cart Add to cart State secrets — limited stock Add to cart Your order has shipped In six to eleven business days The enemy will know [BRIDGE — erhu solo, hammered dulcimer drops to single sustained note] We pause for a customer review: "Five stars. Arrived before the estimated date. Packaging was discreet. Would purchase national security breach again." [VERSE 3] Soldier designation: Wan Unit: strategic operations Threat level: complicated His situation requires — delicate framing Wan is in a relationship The subject is from the province The province we do not name The island The very small island The one that is not a country Wan does not care [PRE-CHORUS] This information changes everything The territorial integrity The chain of command Wan is not answering the chain of command [CHORUS] Add to cart Add to cart State secrets — limited stock Add to cart Your order has shipped In six to eleven business days The enemy will know [OUTRO — spoken, flat affect, reverb decay into erhu drone and silence] This concludes the press briefing. All items are non-refundable. We thank you for your purchase. For questions regarding classified material — Please leave a review. Three to five words. Be specific.