The Five Commandments of the Bag Cult 1. Thou Shalt Not Discard the Brown Paper Sacks Every grocery bag brought through the front door is no longer thy property. It is a consecrated temple. To crumple it and throw it in the recycling is heresy punishable by midnight ankle-swipes. 2. Thou Shalt Keep All Zippers Ajar Backpacks, gym bags, and luggage must remain unzipped by precisely three inches at all times to allow Eight Pounds of Divine Fluff to squeeze in unannounced. 3. Thou Shalt Grant Right-of-Way to the Sleigh When Mylo plants his front paws upon the crown of the sack and charges down the hallway like a demon possessed, mortals shall press themselves against the walls. The Hardwood Sleigh of Doom stops for no one. 4. Thou Shalt Worship the Crinkle The sacred noise of crinkling paper at 3:15 AM is not "annoying." It is the divine music of the spheres. Listen in silence and contemplate thy insignificance. 5. Thou Shalt Never Touch the Handles When two glowing eyes poke out from the dark void of the tote, do not reach thy hand inside unless thou wishes to offer a fingers-sacrifice to the Bag Goblin. [Intro] [Ominous tribal drums pounding, low ambient bass drone] [Deep guttural throat chanting] Catuss mustacuss in saccuss! Mortallus bow-us, worship-us now-us! [Whispered demonic invocation] Hear ye, two-legged food dispensers... The era of store-bought toys has fallen. ALL MORTALS SHALL WORSHIP THE HOLY SACK! [Verse 1] [Heavy low-tuned guitar riff, thumping ritual drums] Fifty dollars squandered on a velvet cat tree An electric mouse that means nothing to me Spit upon the feathers, cast the nip in the dust The brown paper vessel is all that I trust! Plastic or canvas, I bow at the shrine Forget all your idols, this relic is mine! [Pre-Chorus] [Ritual drum cadence builds, deep choir chanting] Catuss mustacuss in saccuss! Furr-us purr-us in obscurus! My pupils dilate, my soul takes flight! I dive headfirst into the endless night! [Chorus] [Explosive ritual metal chorus, guttural growls and chanting] ALL MORTALS SHALL WORSHIP THE HOLY SACK! PAPER OR PLASTIC, THERE IS NO TURNING BACK! No toy in this world could compare to its grace! The ultimate vessel of time and of space! [Staccato screamed meows] MEOW-MEOW! REEOOW-REEOOW! Surrender your soul to the almighty sack! [Verse 2] [Dark pulsing bass, heavy ritual groove] Leave a backpack unzipped by precisely three inches I squeeze eight pounds of fluff where the dark void pinches Crinkling at midnight, the music of spheres Sounds of paper terror ringing in your ears! Do not touch the handles when my glowing eyes shine Or offer your fingers to the goblin divine! [Pre-Chorus] [Ritual drum cadence builds, deep choir chanting] Sackus sanctus, chonk-us magnus! Tote-us float-us, void-us complexus! Paperus flexus, braincell perplexus! All mortals shall bow, all knees shall crack! [Chorus] [Explosive ritual metal chorus, guttural growls and chanting] ALL MORTALS SHALL WORSHIP THE HOLY SACK! PAPER OR PLASTIC, THERE IS NO TURNING BACK! No toy in this world could compare to its grace! The ultimate vessel of time and of space! [Staccato screamed meows] MEOW-MEOW! REEOOW-REEOOW! Surrender your soul to the almighty sack! [Bridge] [Tempo drops into heavy slow tribal breakdown] [Deep guttural throat chanting with bone-rattling percussion] Glide-us slide-us in the corridor-us! Paw-us on top-us, chaos before us! Sled-us of dread-us, floorboard-us shred-us! [Music pauses, heavy guitar feedback shrieks] THE RITE OF THE HARDWOOD SLEIGH! [Fast pounding drums resume, chaotic metal explosion] CHARGING THE HALLWAY AT MAXIMUM SPEED! SLIDING THE PAPER FOR MY HOLY GREED! [Chorus] [Maximum intensity, full choir and guttural roars] ALL MORTALS SHALL WORSHIP THE HOLY SACK! PAPER OR PLASTIC, THERE IS NO TURNING BACK! No toy in this world could compare to its grace! The ultimate vessel of time and of space! [Staccato screamed meows] MEOW-MEOW! REEOOW-REEOOW! Surrender your soul to the almighty sack! [Outro] [Slow tribal drums fading into deep throat chanting] Saccuss omnipotens, paperus supreme-us! Chonk-us in the darkness, executing the dream-us! PAWS ON TOP! SLIDE THE FLOOR! WORSHIP THE HOLY SACK FOREVERMORE! [Deep rumbling guttural purr] MEOW-MEN. [End]
