[Intro] Cinco de Mayo, first time south of the border Pale boy with a passport and a vegan-meal pre-order Wife said "have fun, just don't burn" I said "babe, I got SPF" (he did not bring SPF) [Verse 1] Touched down in Puerto Vallarta, the air felt different Salt in the breeze, sun like a cymbal hit, brilliant Walked up to a taco stand, said "uno por favor" The lady said "what kind?" I said "all of them, give me four" Al pastor hit my mouth like a lightning bolt First time I ate pork, I think I lost my soul Tequila shot, lime, salt, the room went sideways Fifteen years of vegan, gone in fifteen Tuesdays (it was a Tuesday) [Pre-Chorus] Sun got hotter, beach got louder Bikinis on the sand, I'm a soft pale chowder Sunscreen? Forgot it. Hat? Left at the hotel Just a Portland boy turning lobster, oh well [Chorus] TACOS, tequila, ABUELAS, beach Cinco de Mayo with the kisses out of reach TACOS, tequila, ABUELAS, sun Pale boy in paradise, what have I done [Verse 2] Memory's hazy but the kisses they were real Cheeks, foreheads, the warmth of how it feels Señoritas in the cabana, told me "siéntate aquí" Said "mijo, you so pale, you need agua, comida" Fed me elote, fed me tamales off the grill I said "baby, te amo" they said "sí, sí, sí" One held my hand and said "tú eres tan flaco" I said "I don't know what that means but I'm vibing, vato" (it means "you're so skinny," I'd later learn) [Pre-Chorus] Woke up at four AM with my skin on fire Aloe on the bedside, hangover dire Stomach in revolt from the carnitas I ingested Looked in the mirror, my face had been arrested By the sun. [Chorus] TACOS, tequila, ABUELAS, beach Cinco de Mayo with the kisses out of reach TACOS, tequila, ABUELAS, sun Pale boy in paradise, what have I done [Verse 3] Got home, told my wife, "babe, I had a moment" "Met some señoritas, they thought I was a poet" She said "honey, can I see the photos on your phone?" Pulled it up, started laughing, didn't laugh alone Said "sweetheart, those are abuelas, those are grandmas" "Those are three-hundred-pound mamacitas, not your romances" "They were FEEDING you because you looked half dead" "They kissed your forehead like a baby they put to bed" [Bridge] She laughed for like four minutes straight I sat there processing, contemplating fate Said "wait, so the kisses..." She said "yes, on the cheek" "From women named Lupita, Carmen, and Esmé" "They thought you were a stray they were trying to feed" "They sent you home with a Tupperware, my guy, with seeds" (I do have a Tupperware. With seeds.) [Verse 4] So I'm calling my abuelas, sending flowers in the mail Carmen, Lupita, Esmé, the holy abuela trail Thank you for the elote, thank you for the rest Thank you for the kisses that I misunderstood best Wife still laughing, stepdaughter learned a lesson Don't let dad go to Mexico without supervision [Outro] Cinco de Mayo... lessons learned... Tacos, tequila, abuelas, sun-burned (breath) gracias, mis abuelas... Just a soft tofu boy. (siéntate.)
