Big Bad Pigeon **Battle of the Beaches!**

[Intro — Bass alone] BOW-buh-dow... bow-bow-buh-DOW... [Spoken] There he is. [Band] Where?! Right there. [Band] That's a pigeon. I KNOW I SEE HIM!. [Drums slam in] [Verse 1] Big bad pigeon by the liquor store Been standing there since quarter to four One eye crooked and his chest stuck out Like he owns the sidewalk and the roundabout I walked left— He walked left. I walked right— He walked right. I said— "Buddy, we ain't gotta do this." He said— [Band abruptly stops] ... coo [FULL BAND] OH, IT'S LIKE THAT?! [Bass Break] [Funky, ridiculous bass riff] [Backing vocals] Bird got beef! Bird got beef! Somebody tell me why the— BIRD GOT BEEF?! [Chorus] There's a BIG! BAD! PIGEON! And he's looking at me! [Backing] LOOKIN' AT HIM! Big bad pigeon! What's your problem with me?! I didn't touch your breadcrumbs! I didn't bother your nest! But that big bad pigeon— [Band] WANTS TO THROW HANDS, I GUESS! [Verse 2] Came back Tuesday— Pigeon still there. Wednesday morning— Still there. Thursday night— You know what? Still. Freakin'. There. Now he's got friends And they're forming a line Seven little psychos On the power line One got bread One got fries One keeps staring directly into my eyes [Whispered] That's the leader. [Backing] How do you know? He's got a french fry. [Backing] ...Dear God. [Pre-Chorus] I don't want trouble! [Backing] HE DON'T WANT TROUBLE! I'm a reasonable pig! REASONABLE PIG! But if that bird comes any closer— ... I'm going inside. [Backing] Good call. [Chorus] There's a BIG! BAD! PIGEON! And he's looking at me! LOOKIN' AT HIM! Big bad pigeon! What's your problem with me?! I didn't touch your breadcrumbs! I didn't bother your nest! But that big bad pigeon— WANTS TO THROW HANDS, I GUESS! [Instrumental — Bass & Drums] [Spoken argument over music] I think he followed us. It's a different pigeon. No. Same pigeon. They all look alike. That's exactly what he wants you to think. ... You need help. I NEED BACKUP. [Bridge — suddenly dramatic] Mama always told me: "Son... Sometimes you gotta stand your ground." So I turned around. Looked that feathered demon Right between the eyes. Put down my sandwich. Cracked my knuckles. And said— "Today's the day." ... He flew away. [Silence] Oh. [Band] YOU DID IT! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! YOU WON! THERE WASN'T A FIGHT! CHAMPION! STOP CHEERING! [Breakdown] PIGEON! COO! PIGEON! COO! PIGEON! COO! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM MEEEE?! coo. [Final Chorus] There's a BIG! BAD! PIGEON! And he's coming for YOU! [Backing] WAIT—WHAT?! Big bad pigeon! Now there's apparently two! Protect your sandwiches! Protect your fries! Never show weakness— THEY CAN SMELL IT IN YOUR EYES! Big! BAD! Bird! WITH! Absolutely no respect for personal space! [Outro — Bass riff slowing down] [Spoken] Guys... He's back. Don't make eye contact. I'm not. You're making eye contact. I CAN'T HELP IT. ... Why's he walking over here? ... Run. [Everyone screaming / instruments crash] coo.