The Coffin Carpenter’s Song (Measure Twice, Bury Once)

I’m a coffin carpenter - I carve your final ride, I sand the edges smooth so you look classy when you die. They say my job is grim, but I just laugh along If death’s a greatest hit, then I’m the one who wrote the song. I measure twice, ’cause y’can’t complain when you’re inside, I add a little varnish for that premium last glide. And when they ask me, “Ain’t it bleak, this doom you sell?” I say, “Bleak? Mate, my customers never kiss ’n’ tell!” I build the box - so you don’t have to! Nice and cozy, mate - so you don’t have to! I hammer your forever-home with a punk-rock grin, If there’s no afterlife - well, you still look good goin’ in. I build the box - so you don’t have to! No angels checkin’ specs, no holy oversight, Just me and plywood in the workshop late at night. Atheist anthem while I’m cuttin’ through the pine, If god designed the universe - he stole my bloody line. I’ve built for mayors, punks, ex-wives and crooks, I sign each coffin like I’m writin’ sacred books. And when they say, “Is there more after death?” I shrug - “Dunno, mate… but you’ll be comfy for the rest.” I whistle through the shop, Like a cockney craftsman preacher, If the world’s a tragic sitcom I’m the bloody wooden-feature! I build the box - so you don’t have to! Come sing it, lads - so you don’t have to! If life’s a circus, then death’s the final act, And I’m the bloke backstage who nails the punchline to a plank. I build the box - so you don’t have to! “Oi mate, what’s that job you’re doin’?” “I build ’em straight - perfect fit for snoozin’!” “You scared o’ death?” “Nah, but I’ll be upset - if they bury me in a box I didn’t build meself!” I build the box - so you don’t have to! Last round, boys - so you don’t have to! Polished corners, tight ’n’ tidy when you drop, If death’s the final purchase - I run the best shop. I build the box - so you don’t have to!