Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven. Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover. Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he’s playing poker. Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building. Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic. Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol. Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire. Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse-kicks the Playstation back to Japan. Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never. Chuck Norris can speak Braille. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down. Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this. Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person. The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake. When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital. A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection. Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest. With a fish. Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman’s life. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand. Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys. Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him. [BEAT TEMPO CHANGE] Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. When we first landed on the moon, the astronauts noted there was print on the moon that said “Chuck Norris was here.” Chuck Norris plays Jenga with Stonehenge. AGHHHHHHHHH CHUCK NORRIS!
