I NEED A DEPENDAPOTAMUS BY THE BALL

[Verse 1] Dress Blues hanging ready, Got my medals on just right, Got my ticket and my hotel, And the Ball is Friday night. Every swinging dick I know Has got somebody they can call, And I'm the only motherfucker With no date for the Ball. I started out with standards, Someone funny, smart and kind, Someone Mom would like at Christmas, Someone I could make mine. But every day that calendar Gets shorter on the wall— And I'm starting to reconsider What I really need at all. [Pre-Chorus] She don't have to be an angel, She don't have to have it all, She just needs a dress and heartbeat— AND BE READY FOR THE BALL! [Chorus] I NEED A DEE-PEN-DUH-POT-UH-MUS BY THE BALL! Big or little, short or tall! Red flags don't mean a fucking thing When you're running out of time! I ain't asking for perfection, Hell, I'm barely asking at all— THERE'S GOTTA BE A DEE-PEN-DUH-POT-UH-MUS WHO WANTS TO GO TO THE BALL! [Verse 2] Then I saw her by the stage lights, And my search was finally done, She said I looked good in Dress Blues— HOLY SHIT, I FOUND THE ONE! She asked me what my rank was, Asked how often I get paid, Asked if wives get health insurance— SHE'S ALREADY PLANNING AHEAD! She's got three kids by two ex-boyfriends, Works the late shift every night, My buddies call 'em warning signs— BUT THIS GIRL'S CHECKING EVERY BOX RIGHT! She said she'd love to see the Ball, And she'd already found a dress, Two weeks ago I wanted perfect— NOW I'M CALLING THIS SUCCESS! [Chorus] I NEED A DEE-PEN-DUH-POT-UH-MUS BY THE BALL! Big or little, short or tall! Red flags don't mean a fucking thing When you're running out of time! I ain't asking for perfection, Hell, I'm barely asking at all— I THINK I FOUND MY DEE-PEN-DUH-POT-UH-MUS JUST IN TIME FOR THE BALL! [Verse 3] I was only looking for a date When somebody broke the news: Married Marines get B-A-H And don't have to live with dudes! No more field day every Thursday, No more inspections down the hall— THIS AIN'T ABOUT A DATE NOW, BOYS, I NEED A WIFE BY THE BALL! Now her asking 'bout my paycheck Sounds responsible to me, And she really likes the benefits— ESPECIALLY TRY-CARE FOR FREE! She wants access to my bank account, That's what marriage is about, She asked how fast we could get married— THIS IS REALLY WORKING OUT! [Pre-Chorus] I've got a ring, I've got a witness, Got the courthouse down the street, Seventy-two hours left— THIS MISSION'S ALMOST COMPLETE! [Chorus] I NEED A DEE-PEN-DUH-POT-UH-MUS BY THE BALL! I can see the finish line! She wants half of everything I've got— THAT MEANS SHE WANTS TO SHARE HER LIFE! I ain't worried 'bout tomorrow, I ain't worried much at all— I'M GONNA MARRY MY DEE-PEN-DUH-POT-UH-MUS AND TAKE HER TO THE BALL! [Verse 4] Three days before the Ball came, I put a diamond on her hand, My buddies called me fucking stupid— THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND! Put her name on all my paperwork, Packed my shit and left the bricks, Got a place outside the main gate— I FUCKING NAILED THIS SHIT! She bought a dress with my new credit card, Cost more than I recall, But when she walked into that ballroom— BEST-LOOKING WIFE AT THE BALL! Now the whole platoon's just staring, First Sarge won't look at me, They're probably fucking jealous— I GOT LOVE AND B-A-H, BABY! [Final Chorus] I GOT MY DEE-PEN-DUH-POT-UH-MUS BY THE BALL! I AIN'T SHOWING UP ALONE! Got a ring around her finger, Got a place to call my own! She got Try-Care, I got B-A-H, SO WHO REALLY WON IT ALL? I GOT MY DEE-PEN-DUH-POT-UH-MUS! I GOT MY DEE-PEN-DUH-POT-UH-MUS! I GOT MY DEE-PEN-DUH-POT-UH-MUS— JUST IN TIME FOR THE BALL! [Outro] Dress Blues pressed, Barracks cleared, Brand-new wife, Another beer! They say I'll learn, They say I'll fall— DON'T GIVE A FUCK— I GOT HER BY THE BALL!