[Verse 1] The house was already hanging on By duct tape and denial Then Dad logged onto Match.com And changed my life in a while I don’t know what his profile said “Enjoys silence and emotional debt?” “Comes with baggage, trauma, grief” “Must love tension and disbelief” ⸻ [Pre-Chorus] She showed up with moving boxes I showed up with trust issues Guess which one got unpacked first? ⸻ [Chorus] Match.com stepmom What a plot twist, honestly Nobody asked the teenager If she’d enjoy this new reality Match.com stepmom Straight from the internet Dad found romance I found emotional side effects ⸻ [Verse 2] She wasn’t evil, let’s be fair That’d make the story way too clean She just walked into a disaster zone And immediately became the queen New rules here New rules there New opinions everywhere Like congratulations, welcome in You’ve inherited a house that’s already broken ⸻ [Pre-Chorus] And somehow I became the problem For noticing it ⸻ [Chorus] Match.com stepmom What a beautiful surprise Dad found a soulmate I developed hypervigilant eyes Match.com stepmom Everybody clapped and smiled Meanwhile I’m hiding in the basement Like an emotionally exhausted feral child ⸻ [Bridge] (spoken with attitude) Let’s review. Mom’s addicted. Dad’s emotionally unavailable. The house is one bad day from collapse. And your solution was… Online dating? Bold strategy. ⸻ [Breakdown] Maybe I should’ve made a profile too. Teenager seeks: One stable adult. Must enjoy communication. No smokers. No emotional manipulation. References required. ⸻ [Final Chorus] Match.com stepmom What a wonderful design Everybody found their place Except apparently mine Match.com stepmom Here’s the thing I understand now The problem wasn’t really you It was nobody asking how The kid was doing The whole damn time ⸻ [Outro] Dad got a girlfriend. You got a husband. And I got character development. Nobody wins.
