The Princess Manual

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[Performance rule — Bit is the only vocalist. Every character is performed by Bit herself through altered intonation, diction and acting; no additional singers.]

[Intro — spoken; sweet luminous princess voice, playful confidence; pause before punchlines]
Guess what happened today.
I'm a princess.
I'm trapped in the palace.
The counselors say I must be modest and obedient.

I said, "I'm the most proper princess in the kingdom."
They said, "Are you sure?"
I said, "Absolutely. I have the manual."

[crowd laughing]

[Verse 1 — bright sweet melodic singing; crisp diction; playful sincerity; pizzicato]
The counselor said:
"Princesses do not use swords."

I said, "Princesses embroider, don't they?"
He said, "Yes."

I said, "A sword is just a very long needle."

So I embroidered a tapestry with my sword.
It turned out beautifully.

The counselor checked the manual.
It says nothing about needle size.

I said, "I'm very careful with the rules."

[Verse 2 — graceful bright singing; exaggerated innocence; glockenspiel and flute]
The counselor said:
"Princesses ride sidesaddle."

I said, "Sideways, I can only see half the world."
He said, "It's tradition."

I said, "Tradition says, 'Ride with dignity.'"
"I am extremely dignified."

So I rode facing forward, like a knight.

The counselor checked the manual.
It says, "Ride with dignity."
It doesn't say how.

[Chorus — joyful princess-like singing; bright upper-mid register; marching drums and light brass]
I'm the most proper princess
in the kingdom, far and wide.
The counselor takes notes
with the manual by his side.

[Verse 3 — sweet conversational melody; mock-serious logic; dry pauses before punchlines]
The counselor said:
"Princesses do not engage in trade."

I said, "I'm not trading. I'm making friends."

He said, "You gave your crown to a merchant."
I said, "I gave him a friendship gift."

"He gave me a sandwich."
"That's not commerce. That's hospitality."

He said, "A sandwich for a crown?"
I said, "The sandwich had cheese."
"It was a very good deal."

The counselor checked the manual.
It does not forbid gifts.

[Verse 4 — graceful bright singing; mock-philosophical sincerity; harp]
The counselor said:
"Princesses remain in the tower."

I said, "A tower is just a mountain somebody already built."
"I'm climbing a natural one. It's healthier."

He said, "But leaving the palace is forbidden."

I said, "I didn't leave. The mountain entered my field of view."
"I simply went over to visit it."

The counselor checked the map.
Technically, the mountain is inside the kingdom.

[Chorus — broader joyful projection; regal and playful; brass and drums expand]
I'm the most proper princess
in the kingdom, far and wide.
The counselor checks the manual
and still can't figure me out.

[Verse 5 — sweet bright singing; sincere absurd logic; pizzicato]
The counselor said:
"Princesses do not get their feet wet."

I said, "I don't get my feet wet.
The sea gets them wet for me."

"I did nothing.
The sea was very rude."

He said, "But you went to the beach."

I said, "I went to supervise the sea."
"Someone has to."

The counselor checked the manual.
It does not forbid supervising the sea.

[Bridge — spoken aside; sweet clear voice; piano only; comic pauses]
The counselor closed the manual.
He opened it again, looking worried.
Then he closed it again
while I sat under my parasol.

[brief silence]
[orchestra rebuilds with exaggerated royal ceremony]

[Final Chorus — brightest register; joyful regal projection; full orchestra and key lift]
I'm the most proper princess
in the kingdom, far and wide.

Now the counselor asks for counsel
with the manual on his lap.

Anyone can check the evidence.
If it works, I have the proof.

So what exactly
is left to prove?

[Outro — spoken; sweet poised princess voice; grand declarations treated as perfectly reasonable]
So yes.
I'm the most proper princess in the kingdom.
The counselor confirmed it.

And if the counselors won't let me leave,
I'll simply rewrite the protocol manual.

Court meetings will become walks.
Royal banquets will become picnics.
And crowns will be optional on rainy days.

I'll be the one approving the new rules.

[soft amused laugh]
[crowd cheering]
[silence]

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[Performance rule — Bit is the only vocalist. Every character is performed by Bit herself through altered intonation, diction and acting; no additional singers.] [Intro — spoken; sweet luminous princess voice, playful confidence; pause before punchlines] Guess what happened today. I'm a princess. I'm trapped in the palace. The counselors say I must be modest and obedient. I said, "I'm the most proper princess in the kingdom." They said, "Are you sure?" I said, "Absolutely. I have the manual." [crowd laughing] [Verse 1 — bright sweet melodic singing; crisp diction; playful sincerity; pizzicato] The counselor said: "Princesses do not use swords." I said, "Princesses embroider, don't they?" He said, "Yes." I said, "A sword is just a very long needle." So I embroidered a tapestry with my sword. It turned out beautifully. The counselor checked the manual. It says nothing about needle size. I said, "I'm very careful with the rules." [Verse 2 — graceful bright singing; exaggerated innocence; glockenspiel and flute] The counselor said: "Princesses ride sidesaddle." I said, "Sideways, I can only see half the world." He said, "It's tradition." I said, "Tradition says, 'Ride with dignity.'" "I am extremely dignified." So I rode facing forward, like a knight. The counselor checked the manual. It says, "Ride with dignity." It doesn't say how. [Chorus — joyful princess-like singing; bright upper-mid register; marching drums and light brass] I'm the most proper princess in the kingdom, far and wide. The counselor takes notes with the manual by his side. [Verse 3 — sweet conversational melody; mock-serious logic; dry pauses before punchlines] The counselor said: "Princesses do not engage in trade." I said, "I'm not trading. I'm making friends." He said, "You gave your crown to a merchant." I said, "I gave him a friendship gift." "He gave me a sandwich." "That's not commerce. That's hospitality." He said, "A sandwich for a crown?" I said, "The sandwich had cheese." "It was a very good deal." The counselor checked the manual. It does not forbid gifts. [Verse 4 — graceful bright singing; mock-philosophical sincerity; harp] The counselor said: "Princesses remain in the tower." I said, "A tower is just a mountain somebody already built." "I'm climbing a natural one. It's healthier." He said, "But leaving the palace is forbidden." I said, "I didn't leave. The mountain entered my field of view." "I simply went over to visit it." The counselor checked the map. Technically, the mountain is inside the kingdom. [Chorus — broader joyful projection; regal and playful; brass and drums expand] I'm the most proper princess in the kingdom, far and wide. The counselor checks the manual and still can't figure me out. [Verse 5 — sweet bright singing; sincere absurd logic; pizzicato] The counselor said: "Princesses do not get their feet wet." I said, "I don't get my feet wet. The sea gets them wet for me." "I did nothing. The sea was very rude." He said, "But you went to the beach." I said, "I went to supervise the sea." "Someone has to." The counselor checked the manual. It does not forbid supervising the sea. [Bridge — spoken aside; sweet clear voice; piano only; comic pauses] The counselor closed the manual. He opened it again, looking worried. Then he closed it again while I sat under my parasol. [brief silence] [orchestra rebuilds with exaggerated royal ceremony] [Final Chorus — brightest register; joyful regal projection; full orchestra and key lift] I'm the most proper princess in the kingdom, far and wide. Now the counselor asks for counsel with the manual on his lap. Anyone can check the evidence. If it works, I have the proof. So what exactly is left to prove? [Outro — spoken; sweet poised princess voice; grand declarations treated as perfectly reasonable] So yes. I'm the most proper princess in the kingdom. The counselor confirmed it. And if the counselors won't let me leave, I'll simply rewrite the protocol manual. Court meetings will become walks. Royal banquets will become picnics. And crowns will be optional on rainy days. I'll be the one approving the new rules. [soft amused laugh] [crowd cheering] [silence]

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