Paddy started a bar fight by accident

[Intro – fast distorted punk guitar riff, stomping drums, fiddle answering the guitar] Oi! Paddy only wanted one quiet pint. That was mistake number one. [Full band crash] [Verse 1 – driving punk guitars, rough energetic vocals] Saint Paddy walked through Murphy’s door At half past eight that night, Said, “Pour me something dark and strong, I’m far too tired to fight.” He found a stool beside the fire, Hung up his coat with care, Then accidentally bumped one man And spilled stout everywhere. The fellow turned and narrowed his eyes. Paddy raised both hands. “My friend, I swear, That wasn’t planned.” The man replied: “You callin’ me short?” Paddy blinked. “…No?” [Pre-Chorus – palm-muted guitars, fiddle rising] One chair moved. Then another. Murphy slowly ducked behind the bar. “Oh, for Christ’s sake…” [Chorus – huge guitars and gang vocals] Paddy started a bar fight by accident! One spilled pint and away it went! A chair flew left, A boot flew right, And Paddy yelled, “I DON’T EVEN WANT TO FIGHT!” Paddy started a bar fight by accident! Nobody knows what the argument meant! By closing time they’d wrecked the place — And Paddy still hadn’t thrown a punch in anyone’s face! [Verse 2 – fast guitar riff, fiddle hooks between lines] A farmer swung at someone tall And hit the butcher’s son, The butcher missed the farmer And punched poor Father Dunn. Father Dunn fell through a table, Then stood up seeing red, And shouted: “WHO IN GOD’S GOOD NAME JUST LANDED ON MY HEAD?!” Three brothers joined for reasons Nobody understood, Granny Doyle hit someone with A loaf of soda bread. Murphy shouted: “NOT THE WINDOWS!” [crash] Murphy: “…Too late.” [Chorus – louder] Paddy started a bar fight by accident! One spilled pint and away it went! A chair flew left, A boot flew right, And Paddy yelled, “I DON’T EVEN WANT TO FIGHT!” Paddy started a bar fight by accident! Nobody knows what the argument meant! By closing time they’d wrecked the place — And Paddy still hadn’t thrown a punch in anyone’s face! [Instrumental Break – electric guitar and fiddle trading fast melodic leads] [Guitar takes the melody] [Fiddle answers] [Guitar gets faster] [Fiddle gets faster] Murphy: “Oh, don’t encourage them!” [Full band slam] [Verse 3 – heavier punk guitars] Paddy climbed up on the bar And tried to calm the room. “Good people! Peace! Let reason bloom!” A tankard hit the broom. He raised his voice: “Turn the other cheek!” Someone shouted: “WHICH ONE?!” Then Paddy slipped upon some ale And kicked a man named Sean. Sean stumbled backwards into Finn, Finn crashed into McBride, McBride went flying through the door — And somehow landed outside. The whole pub stopped. Paddy looked around. “…Technically, I still haven’t hit anyone.” [Bridge – stop-start guitars, call and response] “Who spilled the pint?” PADDY! “Who moved the chair?” PADDY! “Who kicked poor Sean?” PADDY! “Who started the fight?” Paddy: “Now hold on just a bloody minute—” EVERYONE: PADDY! [Fast drum fill] [Verse 4 – accelerating] By midnight all the tables leaned, The lamps hung half askew, A fiddle floated in the stew, And someone lost a shoe. Murphy stood amid the wreck With splinters in his hair. Paddy said: “I think perhaps I ought to say a prayer.” Murphy stared. “No blessings.” Paddy: “Fair.” Then Granny Doyle raised up her glass And shouted with delight: “Best bloody night we’ve had in years!” The whole pub yelled: “ROUND TWO!” Paddy: “NO!” [Final Chorus – biggest guitars, gang vocals, fiddle over the top] Paddy started a bar fight by accident! One spilled pint and away it went! The chairs went high, The glasses flew, And Paddy swore, “I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!” Paddy started a bar fight by accident! The whole damn town became involved in it! No saints, no snakes, No holy crusade — Just forty drunk fools and one pint badly placed! Paddy started a bar fight by accident! Raise your glass to the innocent gent! He came for peace, He stayed all night — And somehow got blamed for the whole damn fight! [Outro – guitar riff slowing, fiddle, pub laughter] Murphy: “Paddy?” Paddy: “Yes?” Murphy: “You’re paying for the window.” Paddy: “…Which one?” [brief silence] Murphy: “All of them.”