[INTRO - BIG CATCHY DRUM BEAT FIRST] [ALIEN COMMANDER – DEEP, ROBOTIC VOICE] Attention, inhabitants of Earth. We have travelled four million light-years in search of intelligent life. We come in peace. [PAUSE] Take me to your leader. [MALE – LAZY DRAWL] You sure about that, mate? [ALIEN] Affirmative. [MALE] Well... Don't say I didn't warn ya. [BEAT DROPS – HEAVY PULSING BASS, DRIVING TECHNO KICK, TRIBAL PERCUSSION, DISTOR.] [VERSE 1 – DEEP MALE VOCAL, CHEEKY RHYTHMIC DELIVERY] They landed in the backyard, At a quarter past three, Three little green fellas, Staring straight at me. One had a clipboard, One had a map, The third was taking samples From the neighbour's bloody cat! They said, "We seek intelligence, The finest of your kind." I said, "Well, that's a tricky one, You might be hard to find!" [PRE-CHORUS – BASS BUILDS, SITAR BENDS] They said, "Who makes the decisions? Who keeps your planet right?" I said, "There's a building full of monkeys Who argue day and night!" [CHORUS – EXPLOSIVE PSYCHEDELIC GROOVE, MALE GANG VOCALS] TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER! THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID! I SAID, "YOU MIGHT BE BETTER TALKING TO THE DOG INSTEAD!" TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER! THEY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE! FIVE MINUTES WITH OUR POLITICIANS AND THEY WANTED OUT OF THE PLACE! [INSTRUMENTAL – DISTORTED RIFF, HEAVY BASS, TRIBAL DRUMS, THEREMIN SWOOPS. HYPNOTIC GROOVE.] [VERSE 2 – DRY SARCASTIC MALE VOCAL] We took them down to Parliament, They walked in through the door, Saw a hundred grown-up humans Having tantrums on the floor. One was shouting numbers, One was throwing blame, Another changed his story But his smile remained the same! The aliens stood there watching, With their enormous staring eyes, Then one turned to the other And said, "Are these the clever guys?" [ALIEN – ROBOTIC VOICE] Is this your governing species? [MALE] Unfortunately. [ALIEN] Are they malfunctioning? [MALE] Only when they're awake. [ALIEN] Fascinating. [HEAVY BASS DROP] [CHORUS – BIGGER, MORE DRIVING] TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER! THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID! I SAID, "YOU MIGHT BE BETTER TALKING TO THE DOG INSTEAD!" TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER! THEY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE! FIVE MINUTES WITH OUR POLITICIANS AND THEY WANTED OUT OF THE PLACE! [EXTENDED INSTRUMENTAL – ROLLING TECHNO BASS, DISTORTED SOLO, PSYCHEDELIC GUITAR, SYNCOPATED TRIBAL PERCUSSION. BUILD TO SUDDEN SILENCE.] [VERSE 3 – DEEP MALE SPOKEN-SUNG VOCAL] They asked about our weapons, Our money and our wars, Why we spend a bloody fortune Building bigger things that roar. They asked why people starve When there's enough to go around, Why we poison all the rivers Then sell water from the ground. They asked about our borders, Our religions and our race, Why a species on one planet Can't get along in one place. [ALIEN] Your species appears confused. [MALE] That's putting it mildly. [ALIEN] Have you considered professional help? [MALE] We've got politicians. [ALIEN] That explains everything. [BREAKDOWN – BEAT STOPS. LOW SPACE DRONE, DISTANT ELECTRONIC PULSES.] [ALIEN COMMANDER – SERIOUS ROBOTIC VOICE] Mission Control. We have completed our assessment of Earth. Planet classification: Beautiful. Natural resources: Exceptional. Dominant species: [LONG PAUSE] Emotionally unstable. [ALIEN] Intelligence? [ALIEN COMMANDER] Present in isolated cases. [ALIEN] Leadership? [ALIEN COMMANDER] Catastrophic. [MALE] Bit harsh, isn't it? [ALIEN COMMANDER] We were being polite. [EXPLOSIVE BASS DROP – SITAR AND THEREMIN INTERLOCK.] [VERSE 4 – PLAYFUL RHYTHMIC MALE VOCAL] They said, "We've seen enough, We're heading back to Mars!" I said, "Before you leave, Can you take a few of ours?" They said, "We have strict standards, We can't just take your lot!" I said, "What about the politicians?" They said, "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" [ALIEN] Your leaders are prohibited from entering our galaxy. [MALE] What about the rest of us? [ALIEN] Applications are being reviewed. [MALE] How long's that gonna take? [ALIEN] Approximately... Four thousand years. [MALE] Sounds like Centrelink. [FINAL CHORUS – MASSIVE DRIVING GROOVE, GANG VOCALS, DISTORTED SITAR] TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER! THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID! I SAID, "YOU MIGHT BE BETTER TALKING TO THE DOG INSTEAD!" TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER! THEY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE! FIVE MINUTES WITH OUR POLITICIANS AND THEY WANTED OUT OF THE PLACE! [EXTENDED DANCE OUTRO – HYPNOTIC ROLLING BASS, TRIBAL DRUMS, ELECTRIC SITAR, THEREMIN, CHOPPED ALIEN VOCALS. GROOVE BUILDS AND MUTATES.] [ALIEN – DISTANT TRANSMISSION] Earth assessment complete. Recommendation: Do not make contact. [SECOND ALIEN] What about the humans? [COMMANDER] Leave them alone. They appear to be conducting an experiment in collective stupidity. [MALE] Oi! I can still hear ya! [PAUSE] [ALIEN] We know. [FINAL BASS HIT] [MALE – QUIETLY] Bloody aliens.
