[INTRO — SPOKEN, BRIGHTLY] Come gather, young children, come gather around! There's a marvelous marriage that's breaking right down! With a bang and a boom and a lawyer's ka-ching, We'll divide up the spoons and the diamond-shaped ring! [VERSE 1] Mr. Bumble and Mrs. Bumble Had a home that was happy and neat, Till he found her accountant named Trevor Was repeatedly under their sheet. She found that he'd gambled their savings On a racehorse named Pickles McGee, And he'd spent their retirement money On a yacht called Infidelity. So they sat at the table on Tuesday, With a bottle of wine and a pen, And they promised to never say "forever" To a person they might marry again! [CHORUS — CHEERFUL, BIG HARMONIES] Splitsville! Splitsville! Hip-hip-hooray! Love has packed all its luggage and gone far away! Take half of the house and the dog and the cat! (But the cat's got a lawyer, so good luck with that!) Splitsville! Splitsville! Ring that bell! Two people go to heaven—then divide it as well! With a smile and a wave and a court-ordered fee, We're as happy as divorced folks can possibly be! [VERSE 2] Now the house has been cut down the middle, With a chalk line that runs through the den, He's got half of the sofa and toaster, She's got custody weekends again. They've divided the plates into portions, They've divided the towels into two, He's got half of the family portrait— Just his ear and a fraction of shoe! And the children, those innocent darlings, Have a schedule in triplicate ink: They spend Monday with Mommy in therapy, Tuesday with Daddy in drink. [CHORUS] Splitsville! Splitsville! Hip-hip-hooray! Love has packed all its luggage and gone far away! Take half of the house and the dog and the cat! (But the cat's got a lawyer, so good luck with that!) Splitsville! Splitsville! Isn't it grand? You can lose your true love and your beachfront land! With a smile and a wave and a court-ordered fee, We're as happy as divorced folks can possibly be! [VERSE 3 — DARKER, FASTER] Then the lawyers came marching in dozens, With their briefcases polished and black, They took all the cash for their services And then billed them for taking it back. They argued for months over curtains, Over teaspoons, a lamp, and a chair, Till the judge said, "I've seen less confusion In a room full of bears fighting bears!" And the judge gave the children to Mommy, While poor Daddy received every bill. Then the children went home with their Mommy And asked, "Will you two love each other still?" "Of course!" said their mother, quite brightly, "Your father and I are still friends!" Then she keyed his new car in the driveway And smiled as the storybook ends. [BRIDGE — MUSIC BOX, SWEET AND SLIGHTLY SINISTER] Now children, remember this lesson: When you find someone lovely and sweet, Be sure that you ask for their credit score Before you take them to eat. For love is a wonderful flower, A beautiful, fragrant bouquet— Till somebody mentions the prenup, And the petals get blown clean away! [FINAL CHORUS — FULL, DELIGHTFULLY UNHINGED] Splitsville! Splitsville! Hip-hip-hooray! There's a fresh batch of heartbreak on sale today! Take half of the house and the dog and the cat! (And a lifetime of spite in a gift-wrapped hat!) Splitsville! Splitsville! Sing loud and clear! There's a wonderful lesson for all of us here: If your marriage goes bust, don't you worry or fret— There's a whole lot of things you can fight over yet! [OUTRO — SPOKEN, WHISPERED SWEETLY] So sleep tight, little darlings, and dream without fear... Your parents still love you. ...Just not each other, dear. And if you hear shouting downstairs in the night, That's just Daddy and Mommy disputing what's right. Now close both your eyes, tuck your teddy in tight... And remember: THE LAWYERS GET PAID WHETHER YOU'RE WRONG OR RIGHT! [FINAL MUSICAL STING]
