[Verse 1] Walked into Gary’s cookout at a quarter after nine Saw a jar of homemade pickles glowing underneath the light Everybody grabbed a spear and started passing down the line Gary stood beside the cooler with that sick and stupid smile [Internal Dialogue: Steve] Okay these pickles kinda slap, I’m not gonna lie Little sour, little crunchy, got a decent bite [Internal Dialogue: Melissa] Why’s the brine so cloudy? Why’s it kinda thick? Why’s there something floating? Man, I hope that’s just a trick Chad grabbed another pickle, said “Damn, these things are good” Jessica grabbed another one like any sane person would “Man, how are these so salty?” “Seriously, what’d you put in these?” Gary smiled and nodded “Forty seven nights, that’s all they need” Trevor grabbed a pickle and immediately went back Said “There’s something different about the flavor of this batch” Gary said “You wanna know what makes the flavor so sweet?” “It’s forty seven nights of my foot sweat in the brine, neat!” [Chorus] “WHY DO THESE PICKLES TASTE LIKE GARY’S FEET?!” Everybody stopped chewing in the middle of the beat “WHY’S THE BRINE SO SALTY? WHY’S THE GARLIC SO SWEET?!” Gary just kept smiling while he watched them eat “WHY DO THESE PICKLES TASTE LIKE GARY’S FEET?!” Gary said “Forty seven nights is how I make ’em elite!” Then somebody looked down at the pickle in their hand And saw a little footprint pressed into the brine [Verse 2] Panic hit the patio and traveled through the yard Someone dropped their paper plate and sprinted for the car Someone screamed “WHAT THE HELL IS IN THIS GODDAMN JAR?!” Gary said “Relax, boys, that’s the artisanal part” [Internal Dialogue: Trevor] No no no no no no no I had fifteen of these Why was one of them wrinkled? WHY DID ONE JUST SQUEAK?! [Internal Dialogue: Amanda] I thought the smell was vinegar I thought the funk was dill I cannot believe I ate these AND I ASKED FOR ANOTHER STILL! Gary opened up the fridge and pulled another jar “Forty seven nights minimum, that’s how you make ’em hard” He licked the brine and smiled “Now THAT’S got some heat!” [Pre Chorus] “Gary... man... please tell me that was clean...” Gary smiled real wide and said: “Clean feet make weak pickles.” [Chorus] “WHY DO THESE PICKLES TASTE LIKE GARY’S FEET?!” Everybody started gagging but the drunk guy took a seat “WHY’S THE BRINE SO SALTY? WHY’S THE GARLIC SO SWEET?!” Gary said “That’s forty seven nights of concentrated heat!” “WHY DO THESE PICKLES TASTE LIKE GARY’S FEET?!” Gary said “The longer that they cure, the deeper that they seep!” Then somebody saw a yellow film floating on the top Gary said “DON’T THROW THAT AWAY!” And everybody screamed “STOP!” [Bridge] Gary dragged a cooler from the corner of the garage Inside were twelve more jars and every one was bubbling hard He said “This is my vintage batch, the flavor’s extra strong” Then pulled one from the bottom that had been fermenting all along [Internal Dialogue: Melissa] That pickle just moved That pickle fucking moved [Internal Dialogue: Little Cousin Derek] Honestly? Still better than Vlasic Frank’s RedHot. [Internal Dialogue: Gary’s Dog] I watched him make these. I wouldn't touch that jar. SPLASH SPLASH SPLASH Gary poured the brine into a glass CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH Some drunk guy kept eating through the crash [Internal Dialogue: Drunk Guy] I mean... I already ate twenty three At this point I gotta finish the jar [Final Chorus] “WHY DO THESE PICKLES TASTE LIKE GARY’S FEET?!” Neighbors called the cops because the whole damn block could smell the heat “WHY’S THE BRINE SO SALTY? WHY’S THE GARLIC SO SWEET?!” Gary yelled “THAT’S FORTY SEVEN NIGHTS OF FLAVOR YOU’RE TAYSTING!” “WHY DO THESE PICKLES TASTE LIKE GARY’S FEET?!” Gary kicked the cooler open and revealed his newest treat “FORTY SEVEN NIGHTS! THAT’S THE SECRET TO THE CURE!” Then he held the final pickle up and screamed: “THIS ONE’S BEEN SOAKING SINCE NINETY FOUR!” [Outro] [Gary, distant and proud] “Don’t worry... That jar’s only on day thirty.” [SNAP] [Silence] [Gary, whispering] “Who wants the toe brine?” [LOUD JAR CLATTER]
