[Verse 1] At Dollar Tree on a Tuesday night Fluorescent halos buzzing white I came for tape and a bag of chips Left with a warning on my fingertips Manager asked, “What’s in aisle three?” I said, “A private catastrophe” The security guard looked ready to flee While I defended my dignity [Pre-Chorus] Don’t call the cops, don’t call my mom I’m just conducting retail-grade calm [Chorus] Welcome to the gooning tree Where every aisle knows too much about me An upside-down cross, if you flip it around Is just a regular cross standing upside down Gooning tree, gooning tree Cheap fluorescent theology [Verse 2] A little rubber gadget in a cardboard box Made the night shift freeze like a broken clock Somebody yelled, “That thing’s a bomb!” I said, “It’s not explosive, just profoundly wrong” The scanner beeped, the manager sighed A grandma bought balloons and picked another side I held up my receipt like a courtroom plea “Your Honor, this was aisle seventeen” [Pre-Chorus] Don’t call the bomb squad, don’t pull the plug It’s a novelty item shaped like a shrug [Chorus] Welcome to the gooning tree Where every aisle knows too much about me An upside-down cross, if you flip it around Is just a regular cross standing upside down Gooning tree, gooning tree Cheap fluorescent theology [Bridge] Human refrigeration vending machines Keep the employees cold and the snacks pristine Insert one quarter, receive one clerk He’ll thaw out slowly after closing work The lights flicker twice, the freezer doors sing A price tag falls off an existential thing I whisper, “Buddy, are you okay?” He says, “I’ve been shelf-stable since yesterday” [Breakdown] Flip it around! It’s still a cross! Call it a bomb! It’s probably not! Scan that toy! Please don’t stare! The human vending machine needs fresh air! [Final Chorus] Welcome to the gooning tree Where retail therapy gets medically weird for free An upside-down cross, if you flip it around Is just a regular cross standing upside down Gooning tree, gooning tree I’m banned until 2033 Gooning tree, gooning tree Please don’t put me on the security screen [Outro] I came for tape and a bag of chips Now I’m banned by corporate headquarters The freezer hums, the cashiers flee Long live the gooning tree
