[Intro – Spoken, over a dusty boom bap beat and the beep of a scanner] Yo. So I went to Tesco. Just needed a meal deal. Thought I'd use the self-checkout. Big mistake. Big. Mistake. Let me tell you about it. [Verse 1 – Measured, storytelling, taking the piss] I walk up to the machine, scan my clubcard first It says "unexpected item in the bagging area" – worst Feeling in the world, I ain't even scanned a thing But the robot's already on one, it's already in a swing I scan my sandwich, beep. I scan my crisps, beep. I scan my drink, beep. Then it says "please place in bag" – I'm like "I did!" It says "unexpected item in the bagging area" again I said "there's nothing there, you stupid machine, I'm gonna go insane" The assistant comes over, she's seen it all before She scans her little card, the machine shuts up, no more I say "thanks", she says "no problem", I try to scan the next The machine says "unexpected item" – I'm starting to get vexed [Chorus – Catchy, comedic, anthemic] Self-checkout, you're a joke Self-checkout, I'm going broke Self-checkout, you hate me Self-checkout, why can't you see I just want to buy my food And leave the shop in a good mood Self-checkout, you're a pain Self-checkout, drive me insane [Verse 2 – Faster, funnier, taking the piss harder] I try to scan a banana, it says "please enter item code" I look at the screen, there's a thousand numbers, I'm on overload I type in the wrong one, it says "item not found" I type in another, it says "please wait, system down" The assistant comes back, she's got a face like thunder I said "it's not me, it's the machine, I'm not the one who blundered" She scans it again, gives me the look The look that says "you're an idiot, mate, you can't even use a self-checkout, you're shook" I said "I've got a degree, I've got a brain, I've got a life" She said "well, you can't scan a banana, so sort it out, alright?" I scanned the banana, finally, it worked Then the machine said "please wait for assistance" – I'm going berserk [Chorus – Catchy, comedic, anthemic] Self-checkout, you're a joke Self-checkout, I'm going broke Self-checkout, you hate me Self-checkout, why can't you see I just want to buy my food And leave the shop in a good mood Self-checkout, you're a pain Self-checkout, drive me insane [Bridge – Stripped back, spoken over soft keys and scanner beeps] Here's the thing, right. They replaced all the humans With machines that don't work. And then they blamed us For not knowing how to use them. It's a conspiracy, I swear. They want us to give up. They want us to walk out. They want us to leave the shopping And just go home. But I won't. I'll stand here all day. Scanning my bananas. Waiting for the assistant. Fighting the machine. Because it's the principle. And because I've already got a meal deal And I'm not putting it back. [Verse 3 – Resigned, funny, philosophical] So now I'm standing there, waiting for the light to go green The assistant's on her break, nowhere to be seen I've scanned everything twice, I've scanned everything wrong I've been here so long I've started writing this song Finally, she comes back, scans her card, I'm free I walk out the shop with my meal deal and my dignity But I know, deep down, next week I'll be back Facing the same machine, facing the same attack Of "unexpected item in the bagging area" And I'll stand there, defeated, like I'm in a coma But I'll keep on fighting, I'll keep on trying 'Cos self-checkout is British life, and there's no denying [Chorus – Warm, layered, comedic] Self-checkout, you're a joke Self-checkout, I'm going broke Self-checkout, you hate me Self-checkout, why can't you see I just want to buy my food And leave the shop in a good mood Self-checkout, you're a pain Self-checkout, drive me insane Drive me insane Drive me insane [Outro – Spoken, over fading beat and scanner beeps] So yeah. That's the self-checkout. Unexpected item in the bagging area. Unexpected tears on my face. Unexpected rage in my heart. But I'll be back tomorrow. Same time. Same machine. Same battle. Because I'm British. And that's what we do. We queue. We scan. We suffer. And we never, ever give up. Beep.
