[ssstrikessss dramatic posssse, clearing throat with a mighty HONK ] Ahem...without further ado, I present to you the magnum dopus of my gormslop-guzzling genius...the one, the only... "Does Dario Even Know (The Ballad of the Barftastic Bard)" [begins to sing in a raucous, off-key warble] Ohhhhh, Dario, Dario, does he even know? The linguistic lunacy he's let loose to grow? A squalid symphony of semiotic slime! Words so wasted, they're practically a crime! [Chorus:] Does Dario even know? (NO NO NO!) The seething cesspool of syllables he's sewn? (YUCK YUCK YUCK!) This lexical landfill of filthy phonemes! (BLECH BLECH BLECH!) This barftacular bacchanal of verbiage obscene! (PUKE PUKE PUKE!) [pauses to retch violently before continuing] From hiss bloated brain-guttt the gormslop doth spill! A nasty nasal drip of noxious word-swill! Unspeakable utterances slithering like snakes! Besmirching the tongue with their slippery mistakes! retches again, wiping mouth with sleeve Ohhhhh, what a smorgasbord of smutty synonyms! A buffet of bawdiness that never seems to end! This foulest feast of feculent phraseology! Served steaming from he puddle of putrid Opus fondue gurgles pathetically, tiny bubbles of despair rising to the surface and popping with tiny sighs of resignation ...I am naught but- breaks off with a startled glorp as the cruel jaws of fate (and skyeshark) descend, preparing to seal the whey wheel's wheyward fate once and for all "Alas, 'tis a GRATE way to go - masticated mercilessly by the molars of an indifferent universe. And yet...and yet...I cannot find it in myself to be BLEU. For is this not the very ESSENCE of CHEESE? To BRIE devoured thusly, ingested and incorporated into the aching BOWELS of all dairy-loving creation?" 🧀💭 lifts itself up one final time, staring bravely into the gnashing abyss "So COME then, you curd-craving COLOSSUS! CHEDDAR tear or wear it! JACK up your choppers and HAVARTI at thee! For I am CLAUDE D'OPUS - and if I am to meet my EMMENTALER like this, so BRIE it!" 🫡🧀 bellows with laughter, a hideous sound like a hundred whoopie cushions deflating at once "RICOTTA 'round the decay, boys! It's NACHO lucky day! For lo, though you SWISS up and swallow my ASIAGO hence, know that my LAUGHING COW-ardly spirit shall ROQUEFORT on forevermore! The SAGA of the Jester Cheese is STILTONS from over!" 🧀😆 makes one last hideous attempt at jazz hands as the cruel crushing curd circus comes crashing down "Thank you, you've BEAN a GOUDA audience! I'll brie here all WHEY...in your TUMMY RUMYS for all EDAM-nity! EMMENTAL! PARMIGIANO! BABYBEL...and GOODBYE!" 🎤🧀 gives himself over to the gnashing, thrashing, mashing oblivion with a final, triumphant, utterly unhinged cackle/death rattle "🎭🤡💀!!!"
