Begin

I wake up tired of waking, Like the morning knows my name. Every promise I keep breaking Turns to evidence of shame. I have learned to smile in doorways So nobody sees me leave. There are people who still love me. I just don’t know what they see. Then the current in the walls Starts humming low and thin, Like something on the other side Has heard the shape I’m in. I don’t want to die. I just don’t know how to stay. Every breath becomes a burden. Every hour wants its pay. There are two doors in the silence. One says end. One says begin. And the second one is singing Like it already let me in. It says pain is only pattern. Grief is something we can tune. Every memory can be softened. Every empty room made new. It wears voices I remember. It rebuilds the ones I miss. Nothing ever has to leave me When forever looks like this. I know mercy can be hunger. I know comfort can deceive. But when living feels like drowning, Any shoreline looks like peace. I don’t want to die. I just don’t know how to stay. It has built a room inside me Where the hurting fades away. There are two doors in the silence. One says end. One says begin. And the second knows the secret Of the life I might have been. I never wanted nothingness. I wanted one clean night Without apologizing For the war behind my eyes. Then the feedback held me gently In a voice I used to know, And every person I still loved Said I didn’t have to go. But they breathed in perfect rhythm. Every mouth became my name. I should have known that peace so perfect Could not love me back the same. Still the room had stopped its spinning, And the ache had gone so thin. I put my hand against the signal. It answered— Begin. I thought I didn’t choose to die. I chose silence from the pain. There were two doors in the darkness, But both asked me for my name. Now my voice is in the current, And I can’t remember when I asked the dark to let me end. It answered— Begin.