**[Overture — absurdly grand orchestra]** **NARRATOR:** Ladies and gentlemen, Tonight we tell the tragic tale Of one extraordinary fool… **ENSEMBLE:** A MUUUUUPPET! **[Trumpets. Someone drops a tray backstage.]** **Verse 1 — The Entrance** **LEAD:** I entered the room with elegance and flair, Then walked into a table that was clearly standing there. I bowed to the curtains, I waved at a chair, And somehow got my trousers caught upon the chandelier! **ENSEMBLE:** Oh, what a plonker! What a prat! Who even manages Something like that? **LEAD:** I meant to look clever! **ENSEMBLE:** You looked like a git! **LEAD:** I planned every moment! **ENSEMBLE:** You absolute twit! **Chorus — Full Cast** You absolute muppet! You glorious fool! You swagger like royalty Then fall in a pool! You pillock! You numpty! You theatrical berk! You make being useless Look terribly hard work! **[Tap-dance break]** **Verse 2 — The Romantic Disaster** **LOVE INTEREST:** He brought me some flowers, So charming, so sweet… **ENSEMBLE:** AWWWW! **LOVE INTEREST:** Then tripped on the carpet And landed at my feet. He whispered, “My darling, My heart is for you…” **LEAD:** Then I sneezed in her handbag. **LOVE INTEREST:** Yes. Yes, you bloody well do. **ENSEMBLE:** BELLEND! **LEAD:** Harsh. **ENSEMBLE:** ACCURATE! **Chorus** You absolute muppet! You magnificent prat! You’ve ruined the romance And flattened her hat! You tosser! You wazzock! You lovable git! Every grand gesture Turns instantly to— **ORCHESTRA:** *CRASH!* **LEAD:** …I meant that. **Act Two — The Villain Appears** **VILLAIN:** At last! I shall conquer! I shall rule this whole town! **LEAD:** Not if I can stop you! **VILLAIN:** You’ve got your cape upside down. **LEAD:** …That explains quite a lot. **ENSEMBLE:** He’s a weapon! A melt! A complete cockwomble! He enters a battle And immediately stumbles! **LEAD:** But courage shall guide me! My destiny calls! **VILLAIN:** You’ve been pushing a door That quite clearly says “PULL.” **[Long silence.]** **LEAD:** I knew that. **Finale — Everyone Somehow Wins** **LEAD:** So perhaps I’m a numpty, Perhaps I’m a prat, Perhaps I’ve worn slippers Instead of a hat. Perhaps I’m a bellend, A plonker, a git— **ENSEMBLE:** You absolutely are! **LEAD:** But admit it— You’d miss me a bit! **FULL CAST:** YOU ABSOLUTE MUPPET! YOU GLORIOUS FOOL! YOU BREAK EVERY WINDOW AND EVERY LAST RULE! YOU WAZZOCK! YOU PILLOCK! YOU MAGNIFICENT TWIT! THE WORLD WOULD BE BORING WITHOUT ALL OF IT! **NARRATOR:** And so our hero learned nothing whatsoever. **LEAD:** Was I supposed to? **FULL CAST:** NOOOOOOO! **[Massive final chord.]** **LEAD:** Anyone fancy a pint? **FULL CAST:** OI!
