🎪 THE WIENER TAKES IT ALL! 🌭 A Portland City Hall Circus Comedy [Intro — Circus trumpet fanfare, bouncy piano] Ladies and gentlemen, gather around! The greatest show has come to town! Bring your popcorn, bring your buns, City Hall's where the circus runs! (Trumpet: Wah-wah-WAAAAH!) [Verse 1 — The Grand Entrance] Step right up, come one, come all, There's a brand-new circus at City Hall! Mitch Green's got a hat, he's got a badge, A thousand old tweets in his baggage! He's got boxing gloves and oversized shoes, A hot dog obsession and political views! He struts around with a mustard grin, Somebody shout, "Let the circus begin!" [Pre-Chorus — Female backing vocals] Tweet, tweet, tweet, then delete, delete, Sweep those little birdies right under the seat! But wouldn't you know, what a terrible shame, The internet remembers your name! [Chorus — Playful, echoing female harmonies] Oh, Mitchy, Mitchy, what a show! Where did all those old tweets go? Hot dogs here, hot dogs there, Mustard and ketchup everywhere! Roll out the bun, roll out the ball, It's the greatest wiener at City Hall! Oh, Mitchy, Mitchy, hear that call? The wiener takes it all! (Backing vocals: "ALL! ALL! ALL!") [Verse 2 — Tweets, Police & Matches] He hollered "Fuck the police!" back in the day, Now he's got a badge in our cabaret! The chief got mad, the headlines flew, And Mitch said, "I stand by what I threw!" Strike up the band, bring out the matches, Watch those old political scratches! A little spark, a lot of smoke, Is this City Hall or a vaudeville joke? [Verse 3 — The Foie Gras Follies] No foie gras on Portland's plate, The ducks can celebrate! But if you're hungry at a quarter to three, Mitch has a wiener policy! A little mustard, a little relish, A City Hall menu that's rather embellished! The rent's too high, the streets need care, But thank heavens there's no goose liver there! [Verse 4 — The Taxman Cometh!] Mitch wants corporations paying more, But the taxman came knocking at his door! Seven grand and change, oh, what a surprise, A little tax bill right before his eyes! He said, "I thought the bank had paid!" While the interest grew on the bill delayed! He finally paid, but here's the funny thing, The taxman doesn't care if you're the circus king! [Backing Singers — Playfully echoing] "PAY YOUR TAXES!" (Pay, pay, pay!) "CHECK YOUR MAIL!" (Hey, hey, hey!) "You can tax the hot dog, You can tax the bun, But don't forget your own When the taxman's come!" (Trumpet: WAH-WAH-WAAAAH!) [Chorus — Bigger brass, playful laughter] Oh, Mitchy, Mitchy, what a show! Where did all those old tweets go? Hot dogs here, hot dogs there, Mustard and ketchup everywhere! Roll out the bun, roll out the ball, It's the greatest wiener at City Hall! Oh, Mitchy, Mitchy, hear that call? The wiener takes it all! (Backing vocals: "ALL! ALL! ALL!") [Bridge — Spoken-sung, theatrical female vocal] "Ladies and gentlemen! For our next spectacular attraction... Ten thousand tweets! One very long receipt! A hot dog in a police hat! Now how do you compete with THAT?" (Trumpet: Wah-wah-WAAAAH!) "Would somebody please pass the mustard?" [Verse 5 — City Hall's Greatest Show] Round and round the council goes, Where it stops, nobody knows! There's a wiener in the spotlight, And a city wondering what's right! He can tweet, he can talk, He can take that mustard for a walk! But when the circus curtains fall, Who's cleaning up at City Hall? [Final Chorus — Full ensemble, joyful and cheeky] Oh, Mitchy, Mitchy, take a bow, You've made the headlines anyhow! The tweets came back, the circus grew, Now the whole darn town is watching you! Hot dogs high, trumpets call, Confetti's flying through City Hall! One last tweet, one final squall... THE WIENER TAKES IT ALL! (Backing singers: "Takes it ALL! Takes it ALL!") [Outro — Piano stops, spoken with a mischievous giggle] "Somebody hide the matches..." (Pause) "And for heaven's sake... save the tweets!" (Final trumpet flourish: Wah-wah-WAAAAAH!)
