I've still got shops to do

1950s northern English pub folk, sardonic working-class raconteur, ~96 BPM, loose 4/4 | Lead with a conversational male mid-baritone and an unforced northern English accent; half-speak the setups, sing the refrain, drop punchlines dryly behind the beat | Thumb a worn steel-string acoustic through alternating bass notes and clipped chord brushes; let a concertina answer between verses | Use plain major-key folk harmony with occasional minor shadows beneath cheerful observations | Keep melodies narrow, memorable and shaped around speech; favour sly understatement over theatrical comedy | Record as an intimate mono pub-room performance: voice forward, guitar woody, concertina slightly distant, natural room bleed, softened treble and restrained tape saturation | Let warmth and grievance share the same smile

[Refrain]
Well, that’ll have to wait.
I’ve still got shops to do.

[Interlude]
(La-di-da, la-di-day)
(La-di-da-di-day)

[Verse 2]
Then Hilda came to mind.
I’d taken her out Saturday,
Then gone to hers for tea.
She’d worn a pointed hat indoors;
The cat sat glaring at me.
A cauldron bubbled on the hob.
Her broom swept up the hall.
I thought, “She keeps a tidy house.”
You can’t take in it all.

[Verse 3]
I’d promised her a telephone call.
I hadn’t got round to that.
She’d cursed me through the letterbox
And frightened next door’s cat.
I’d heard much worse from Mrs Briggs
For bruising her tomatoes.
But Mrs Briggs had never moved
A hundredweight of potatoes.

[Refrain]
I’d better have a word.
I’ve still got shops to do.

[Interlude]
(La-di-da, la-di-day)
(La-di-da-di-day)

[Verse 4]
I knocked. Her hall was full of bats.
I thought, “Well, that’s that, then.”
I’d leave a note beneath the door
And try her house again
When something wasn’t hanging
From every blessed hook.

The door swung wide.
She gave me quite a look.

[Verse 5]
She pointed. Something happened
In the region of my knees.
My trousers split; my feet spread out;
My legs went green as peas.
Above the waist, a shirt and tie.
Below, a frog.
I cleared her gate in one good jump
And landed on her dog.

[Refrain]
I can’t stop here discussing it.
I’ve still got shops to do.

[Interlude]
(La-di-da, la-di-da)
(La-di-da-di-day)

[Verse 6]
She mounted up and followed me,
Her broomstick skimming low.
I tried to shout, “I meant to ring!”
It didn’t sound quite so.

She drew alongside Wilson’s shop.
I hopped between two prams.
She swung out wide to cut me off
And met a motor car.

[Bridge]
An Austin caught her broadside on.
She died there in the street.
I found myself beside the kerb
With ordinary feet.

I stood and pulled my trousers up.
The seams were past repair.
Her pointed hat was in the road.
I thought I’d leave it there.

[Refrain]
Well, I’d best be getting on.
I’ve still got shops to do.

[Interlude]
(La-di-da, la-di-day)
(La-di-da-di-day)

[Verse 7]
I took the bread to Harrison’s,
The cheese to Mrs Price.
She asked me, “Anything to tell?”
I answered, “Nothing nice.”

By dinner I was back on time,
And feeling much the same.
I signed the book, returned the van,
And put in for my claim.

[Outro]
I’ve still got shops to do.
(La-di-da-di-day)
I’ve still got shops to do.
Though I can’t pass a bluebottle
Without thinking,
“That looks nice.”

2682/7500

[Verse 1] Six dozen eggs went down the drain Outside the butcher’s door. He charged me for the use of it; I’d dealt with him before. The milk went blue. The van packed up. The butter left its crate. A sack of spuds rolled up the hill. I let it. I was late. [Refrain] Well, that’ll have to wait. I’ve still got shops to do. [Interlude] (La-di-da, la-di-day) (La-di-da-di-day) [Verse 2] Then Hilda came to mind. I’d taken her out Saturday, Then gone to hers for tea. She’d worn a pointed hat indoors; The cat sat glaring at me. A cauldron bubbled on the hob. Her broom swept up the hall. I thought, “She keeps a tidy house.” You can’t take in it all. [Verse 3] I’d promised her a telephone call. I hadn’t got round to that. She’d cursed me through the letterbox And frightened next door’s cat. I’d heard much worse from Mrs Briggs For bruising her tomatoes. But Mrs Briggs had never moved A hundredweight of potatoes. [Refrain] I’d better have a word. I’ve still got shops to do. [Interlude] (La-di-da, la-di-day) (La-di-da-di-day) [Verse 4] I knocked. Her hall was full of bats. I thought, “Well, that’s that, then.” I’d leave a note beneath the door And try her house again When something wasn’t hanging From every blessed hook. The door swung wide. She gave me quite a look. [Verse 5] She pointed. Something happened In the region of my knees. My trousers split; my feet spread out; My legs went green as peas. Above the waist, a shirt and tie. Below, a frog. I cleared her gate in one good jump And landed on her dog. [Refrain] I can’t stop here discussing it. I’ve still got shops to do. [Interlude] (La-di-da, la-di-da) (La-di-da-di-day) [Verse 6] She mounted up and followed me, Her broomstick skimming low. I tried to shout, “I meant to ring!” It didn’t sound quite so. She drew alongside Wilson’s shop. I hopped between two prams. She swung out wide to cut me off And met a motor car. [Bridge] An Austin caught her broadside on. She died there in the street. I found myself beside the kerb With ordinary feet. I stood and pulled my trousers up. The seams were past repair. Her pointed hat was in the road. I thought I’d leave it there. [Refrain] Well, I’d best be getting on. I’ve still got shops to do. [Interlude] (La-di-da, la-di-day) (La-di-da-di-day) [Verse 7] I took the bread to Harrison’s, The cheese to Mrs Price. She asked me, “Anything to tell?” I answered, “Nothing nice.” By dinner I was back on time, And feeling much the same. I signed the book, returned the van, And put in for my claim. [Outro] I’ve still got shops to do. (La-di-da-di-day) I’ve still got shops to do. Though I can’t pass a bluebottle Without thinking, “That looks nice.”

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