[Verse 1 – HARRY] YO, I'M HARRY POTTER, THE BOY WHO SURVIVED GOT A SCAR ON MY HEAD AND NO THOUGHTS INSIDE VOLDEMORT'S BALD, GOT A FACE LIKE A NUT I BEAT HIS ASS WITH A STICK AND SOME FUCKING LUCK DRACO TALKS SHIT, BUT HIS DADDY'S HIS SPINE GOT A PLATINUM HAIRCUT AND A PERSONALITY FINE YOU LOOK LIKE A VICTORIAN GHOST WITH A LOAN YOUR WHOLE FAMILY TREE SHOULD'VE LEFT YOU ALONE SNAPE LOOKS LIKE HE SLEEPS IN A FUCKING DRAIN GOT THE HAIR OF A MOP THAT'S BEEN LEFT IN THE RAIN YOU HATE ME SO MUCH, IT'S A FULL-TIME OBSESSION BRO, GET A FUCKING HOBBY OR ATTEND A THERAPY SESSION [Hook – HARRY] FUCK YOU, VOLDEMORT, YOU NOSeless BITCH SEVEN SOULS IN A JAR AND YOU STILL AIN'T SHIT FUCK YOU, DRACO, YOU MALFOY RAT YOUR DADDY BOUGHT YOUR WAND AND YOUR FUCKING CAT FUCK YOU, SNAPE, YOU GREASY-HAIRED GHOUL FUCK YOU, RON, YOU HUMAN VACUUM TOOL HERMIONE, STOP YAPPING, I'M LOSING MY MIND I'M THE CHOSEN ONE, BITCH, GET BACK IN LINE! [Verse 2 – HARRY DISSING HERMIONE] HERMIONE GRANGER, YOU WALKING ENCYCLOPEDIA YOU CORRECT MY GRAMMAR WHILE I'M FIGHTING SCHIZOPHRENIA "ACTUALLY, HARRY—" SHUT THE FUCK UP I'M TRYING TO DRINK JUICE FROM A GODDAMN CUP YOU GOT A TIME-TURNER JUST TO GO TO CLASS I'D USE THAT SHIT TO GO BACK AND KICK MY OWN ASS YOU READ SO MANY BOOKS THAT YOUR EYES NEED RENT YOUR LIBRARY CARD GOT A FUCKING GOVERNMENT YOU PUNCHED DRACO ONCE, NOW YOU THINK YOU'RE MIKE TYSON YOU COULD WIN A DEBATE WITH A FUCKING HORIZON YOU GOT MORE OPINIONS THAN A ROOM FULL OF CATS AND YOU STILL CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE THAT YOU CAST ONE SPELL AND YOU START GIVING SPEECHES BITCH, I NEED A FUCKING BREAK FROM YOUR TEACHING YOU SAY I'M IMMATURE, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT BUT YOU SCHEDULED YOUR BREAKDOWN FOR A THURSDAY NIGHT! [Hook – HARRY] FUCK YOU, VOLDEMORT, YOU NOSeless BITCH SEVEN SOULS IN A JAR AND YOU STILL AIN'T SHIT FUCK YOU, DRACO, YOU MALFOY RAT YOUR DADDY BOUGHT YOUR WAND AND YOUR FUCKING CAT FUCK YOU, SNAPE, YOU GREASY-HAIRED GHOUL FUCK YOU, RON, YOU HUMAN VACUUM TOOL HERMIONE, STOP YAPPING, I'M LOSING MY MIND I'M THE CHOSEN ONE, BITCH, GET BACK IN LINE! [Verse 3 – HARRY DISSING RON] RONALD WEASLEY, YOU BROKE-ASS GOBLIN YOUR STOMACH'S SO LOUD IT'S A FUCKING PROBLEM YOU EAT LIKE A HORSE WITH A MORTGAGE DUE YOUR LAST THREE BRAIN CELLS ARE FIGHTING FOR FOOD YOU GOT A RAT FOR A PET AND IT LEFT YOUR ASS EVEN YOUR FUCKING RODENT SAID, "I'M NOT BUILT FOR THIS TRASH" YOUR FAMILY'S SO BROKE THAT THE WALLS GOT HOLES YOUR HOUSE GOT MORE SPIDERS THAN A DEMON'S SOUL YOU LOST YOUR GIRL, YOUR RAT, AND YOUR PRIDE YOU GOT FRIEND-ZONED BY A FUCKING CHESS PIECE INSIDE YOU SEE A BUFFET AND YOU START TO CRY YOU COULD EAT A WHOLE DRAGON AND ASK IT FOR FRIES YOU CALL ME YOUR BROTHER, YOU STEAL ALL MY SHIT YOU BORROWED MY SOCKS AND YOU SHAT IN THE FIT YOU'RE NOT THE SIDEKICK, YOU'RE THE FUCKING EVENT THE REASON THE MINISTRY HAS A FOOD SAFETY DEPARTMENT! [Verse 4 – HARRY VS. VOLDEMORT] VOLDEMORT, YOU LOOK LIKE A PENIS WITH EYES GOT NO DAMN NOSE AND NO SOCIAL LIFE YOU SPENT HALF YOUR LIFE TRYING TO KILL A CHILD THEN GOT BEAT BY A TEENAGER WHO'S BARELY PROFILED YOU MADE SEVEN HORCRUXES, WHAT A FUCKING LOSER BRO TURNED HIS SOUL INTO A COLLECTOR'S SET OF COASTERS YOU GOT KILLED BY A SPELL AND A BAD LIFE CHOICE NOW YOUR ONLY FRIEND IS YOUR OWN ECHOING VOICE YOU CALL YOURSELF LORD, YOU'RE A BARGAIN-BIN DEMON YOUR HEAD LOOKS LIKE A BOILED CHICKEN THAT'S SCREAMING YOU TRIED TAKING OVER THE WORLD, GOT DECLINED EVEN THE DEATH EATERS LEFT YOU ON FUCKING READ YOU GOT NO NOSE, NO HAIR, NO BITCHES, NO PLAN YOU'RE A GODDAMN REFRIGERATOR WITH A WAND IN YOUR HAND I'D ROAST YOU MORE, BUT I'M RUNNING OUT OF LINES GO BUY A FUCKING FACE AND SOME PERSONALITY ONLINE! [Final Hook – HARRY] FUCK YOU, VOLDEMORT, YOU BALD-HEADED FREAK! FUCK YOU, DRACO, YOU DADDY'S PET LEAK! FUCK YOU, SNAPE, YOU HAIRY OLD MOP! FUCK YOU, RON, PUT THE FUCKING FOOD DOWN, STOP! HERMIONE, YOU NERD, PUT THE BOOKS IN THE BIN! I'M THE CHOSEN ONE, BITCH, I WAS BORN TO WIN! I SAVED THE WHOLE WORLD, NOW I'M CHARGING A FEE! TEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR—NOW SUCK ON THESE! [Outro – HARRY, SPOKEN] Voldemort's bald. Draco's spoiled. Snape needs shampoo. Ron needs a treadmill. Hermione needs to shut the fuck up for five seconds. And Dumbledore? Dumbledore's getting investigated for tax fraud. I'M HARRY POTTER, BITCH. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
