[American FM Radio Broadcast] [Spoken Only] [Fast Pacing] [Station Jingle] ONE OH FOUR POINT TWO FM! THE SPLAAAT! [Airhorn] [Excitable Host] MEATBALL: GOOD MORNING! You're listening to Meatball and the Crack. If you're listening right now, there's a good chance you're unemployed. [Dry Sarcastic Host] THE CRACK: Or you've been dead for three days and nobody remembered to switch the radio off. MEATBALL: Either way, thanks for choosing us. THE CRACK: Our audience numbers are improving. [Awkward Silence] MEATBALL: Coming up! Scientists make an extraordinary discovery about Vladimir Putin! A man prepares for an hour that doesn't exist! And later... [Game Show Fanfare] Answer ONE question correctly and win... A FREE WEEKEND FOR TWO IN THE GAZA STRIP! THE CRACK: Flights included? MEATBALL: No. THE CRACK: Hotel? MEATBALL: No. THE CRACK: Return tickets? MEATBALL: We'll find out. THE CRACK: That's not reassuring. [News Sting] [News Reporter] Scientists from the completely fictional Joseph Stalin University in Chukotka have concluded that Vladimir Putin is AI-generated. MEATBALL: I fucking knew it. THE CRACK: Based on what? MEATBALL: Have YOU ever seen Vladimir Putin in person? THE CRACK: No. MEATBALL: Neither have I. THE CRACK: That's your evidence? MEATBALL: Have you ever touched him? THE CRACK: No. MEATBALL: Have you ever smelled him? THE CRACK: Why would I smell Vladimir Putin? MEATBALL: EXACTLY. THE CRACK: That proves nothing. MEATBALL: That's what the AI wants you to think. [News Reporter] Researchers also discovered that photographs and videos exist. MEATBALL: Very suspicious. [News Reporter] Professor Boris Definitelyrealov says the breakthrough came after discovering the letters in “VLADIMIR PUTIN” can be rearranged. THE CRACK: Into what? [Pause] NEWS REPORTER: They don't know. THE CRACK: Eleven years. NEWS REPORTER: Research continues. [News Sting] NEWS REPORTER: Elsewhere, a man has spent fourteen years preparing for the twenty-fifth hour of the day. THE CRACK: How? NEWS REPORTER: He bought another clock. THE CRACK: What's he doing with the extra hour? NEWS REPORTER: Sleep. MEATBALL: Genius. THE CRACK: That's unemployment. [Station Jingle] ONE OH FOUR POINT TWO! THE SPLAAAT! [Game Show Fanfare] MEATBALL: And now, THE IMPOSSIBLE QUESTION! Today's prize: a free weekend for two in the Gaza Strip! THE CRACK: What exactly are we giving away? MEATBALL: The weekend. THE CRACK: You can't give someone Saturday and Sunday. MEATBALL: Not with that attitude. But first, a word from our sponsor. [Commercial Sting] [Soft Corporate Music] [Commercial Announcer] Do you suffer from an uncontrollable need to know what everyone else is doing? Do you frequently ask: “Who was that?” “Where are you going?” “How much did that cost?” “Why are their curtains closed?” Do you offer opinions nobody requested? Have you recently begun a sentence with: “I don't mean to interfere, but...” There may be help. Ask your doctor about... [Heavenly Sting] MINDING YOUR OWN FUCKIN' BUSINESS. Minding Your Own Fuckin' Business works by reminding you that absolutely none of this concerns you. Side effects may include peace and quiet, fewer arguments, more free time, and realizing your neighbor's new washing machine has no impact on your life. If you experience an urge to say, “Well, if you ask me...” immediately sit down. Nobody asked you. Ask your doctor if Minding Your Own Fuckin' Business is right for you. Because sometimes the most effective treatment... is shutting the fuck up. [Fast Disclaimer] Not available in family group chats or small towns where everybody already knows everything. [Commercial Sting] [Game Show Fanfare] MEATBALL: WELCOME BACK! On Tuesday, April seventeenth, eighteen forty-three, at exactly fourteen minutes and six seconds past three... a pigeon landed somewhere in Belgium. [Long Silence] What... was the pigeon thinking? THE CRACK: What? MEATBALL: Ten seconds! [Clock Ticking] THE CRACK: How the fuck am I supposed to know? MEATBALL: FIVE! THE CRACK: What part of Belgium? MEATBALL: FOUR! THE CRACK: BREAD! [Huge Buzzer] MEATBALL: INCORRECT! THE CRACK: What was the answer? MEATBALL: We don't know. [Long Silence] THE CRACK: Then how can my answer be wrong? MEATBALL: Because it wasn't the answer. THE CRACK: WHAT WAS THE ANSWER?! MEATBALL: That's next week's question. THE CRACK: Who writes this fucking program? MEATBALL: You do. [Awkward Silence] THE CRACK: ...fuck. [Station Sweeper] ONE OH FOUR POINT TWO FM! THE SPLAAAT! MEATBALL: Coming up after the break... Can fish remember being wet? THE CRACK: Finally. Journalism. [Static Burst] [END]
