[Intro - stomp-clap, bouncy guitar, spoken] It started at the office, folks. A friend said, "you have GOT to read this book." ...she had no idea what she'd done. [Verse 1] [Vocalist: Male] A friend from work, she told us 'bout a fella named Carl, so my wife cracked the pages while I pressed play and hurled myself into the audiobook, the dungeon, and the doom, two narrators in the headphones fillin' up the room, eight books in just two months, we did not come up for air, we crawled through every floor of it, my wife and I, a pair, so blame the friend, and blame the book, and blame whatever's wrong, 'cause now we slay the Helltide and we sing this stupid song! [Chorus - gang singalong] So thanks, Carl! (thanks, Carl!) you menace, you muse, you turned my sweet wife into a demon-killin' cruise! now we crawl every dungeon till the sun comes around, with the dumbest little zoo that was ever unbound, oh, thanks, Carl! (oh-oh-oh!) [Verse 2 - the references] [Vocalist: Male] There's a man in his boxers and there's nothin' else to wear, there's a pampered Princess Donut puttin' diamonds in her hair, there's a System on the speakers crackin' jokes about your death, and a corporate little game-show monetizin' every breath, it's the end of all the world and it's a reality show, the funniest apocalypse a reader's gonna know, we laughed and then we cried and then we laughed until we wheezed, then we started Book the Second, we could not be appeased! [Verse 3 - Samantha, the Monty Python French knight] [Vocalist: Male] But our favorite is Samantha, oh, she's everything we love, she's a Monty Python knight on a parapet above, she'll taunt you with a phony French disdain, insult your whole family, then she'll do it all again, she will not come down to fight you, no, she finds the notion crude, she'd rather sneer and mock your kin, magnificently rude, she's haughty and she's hilarious, the queen of the eye-roll throne, oh Samantha, sweet Samantha, won't you taunt us all back home! [Chorus] So thanks, Carl! (thanks, Carl!) you menace, you muse, you turned my sweet wife into a demon-killin' cruise! [Bridge 1 - the road trip] [Vocalist: Male] We loved it all so much we hit the highway up to Toronto, the whole family in the car with the radio-play in tow, Book One blastin' through the speakers, every voice and every sound, four hundred miles of dungeon while the wheels went round and round! [Verse 4 - the in-game menagerie and the demon head] [Vocalist: Male] Now Azetha's got a cat, and it's pretty as a pearl, struttin' right behind her like the queen of the world, there's loot upon the ground, there's gold and gear to retrieve, but the cat's just lickin' its paw, it could not care to leave! and a demon head went floatin' in a circle round her crown, not the deadliest of spells, but the coolest thing in town, and Greg has got a goat, goes by the name of Prepetente, he rams 'em into next week and he's never, ever gentle, and Kael has got a crab, and the crab is named Raul, with a tiny little knife that he juggles for us all! [Bridge 2 - warmer, building, the heart] [Vocalist: Male] It started with a story that a coworker adored, turned my wife into a crawler with a controller and a sword, a goat and a crab and a cat that won't grab, a Princess and a System and the best two months we've had, it's a beautiful mess and it started with a page, so we owe the whole apocalypse to one little paperback stage, [Final Chorus - biggest, epic, full gang vocals] So thanks, Carl! (thanks, Carl!) you menace, you muse, you turned my sweet wife into a demon-killin' cruise! now we crawl every dungeon till the sun comes around, with a goat and a crab and a cat that won't get down, with a Donut and a Samantha and a demon overhead, we'll crawl until the credits roll and dream of it in bed! oh, thanks, Carl! (oh-oh-oh!) ...thank you, Carl. (thank you, Carl.) [Outro - spoken] The cat still won't pick up the loot. Samantha still won't come down and fight. ...we wouldn't have it any other way. [End]
