[Intro] [Tense, plucking strings. A low, ominous cello note. The sound of rapid typing on a keyboard.] [Verse 1] It started with a twitch, a tiny flutter in my eye I could have let it go, but I’m a curious kind of guy I opened up a browser, typed in "eye twitch" and "fatigue" And suddenly I’m playing in a different kind of league! The search results are bleeding through the pixels on the screen I’ve got the rarest symptoms that the world has ever seen! [Pre-Chorus] (Whispered, overlapping voices) Lupus? Scurvy? Bubonic Plague? The diagnosis is anything but vague! [Chorus] It’s WebMD-Day! The end is drawing near! I’ve got three days to live, or so it would appear! I came for a headache, but I’m leaving with the gout And a tropical fungus that makes my teeth fall out! Oh, the internet is doctoring, and I am full of dread According to the sidebar, I am already dead! [Bridge] [Music slows to a creepy crawl] "People who searched for 'stubbed toe' also searched for... 'spontaneous combustion'?" (Spoken: Am I warm? I feel warm. Is the room spinning or is it just the planet? It's the plague. It's definitely the 14th-century plague.) [Outro] [Fast, frantic finale] I’m a medical marvel! A walking disease! I’ve got shingles on my elbows and hives on my knees! (Spoken: Wait... 'Your battery is low'?) [Sudden silence] Oh. [End]
