Chronicle of the Melongeddon

Mike the Archivist (and Fidget)

Heavy metal, Power metal, Symphonic metal

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V5.5

# THE GREAT MELON WAR

### *A Chronicle of #Melongeddon*

*[Low military drums. Distant thunder. Somewhere, inexplicably, a goose honks.]*

**[INTRO — MYNXSI, spoken]**

Mark the day.

Remember the hour.

They asked us how it started.

History records only four words:

**“It. Is. Time.”**

*[GUITARS ERUPT]*

---

## [VERSE I — MYNXSI]

I raised the sign at break of day,
The warning crossed the line,
No king decreed, no bugle called—
I simply said:

**IT'S TIME.**

From profile walls the banners rose,
From timelines came the call,
They armed the fruit, they chose their sides—

And sanity did fall!

## [PRE-CHORUS — ALL]

**RIND BY RIND!**
The armies form!

**SEED BY SEED!**
Behold the swarm!

From peaceful feeds the legions came—

**REMEMBER NOW THE MELON'S NAME!**

## [CHORUS — ALL]

**MELONGEDDON!**

ROLL THE GREEN LEGIONS TO WAR!

**MELONGEDDON!**

NO ONE REMEMBERS WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING FOR!

By land!
By air!
By sea they ride!

With seeds of wrath and rind of pride!

Raise the banners!
Sound the horn!

**THE AGE OF MELON HAS BEEN BORN!**

---

## [VERSE II — FIDGET]

I found a book beneath the Stacks,
Chained shut beneath the stone,
It whispered things like *“Don't poke this.”*

So naturally—

**I POKED IT.**

*[music stops]*

...Okay.

In retrospect, that may have been strategically unsound.

*[DOUBLE-KICK DRUMS]*

THE MELON'GHUL CAME POURING FORTH!
THE BABIES FORMED A LINE!
I CATALOGUED THE SPECIES WHILE
THE BIG ONES ATE THE SIGNS!

I welded armor to their rinds!
Put flame turrets on their backs!

Someone yelled, **“YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE!”**

I yelled—

**“COUNTERATTACK!”**

## [PRE-CHORUS — FIDGET + CHOIR]

**WRENCH IN HAND!**
**BOOK AFLAME!**

I would like the record to state
I accept absolutely no blame!

**BUILD THE TANK!**
**LIGHT THE FUSE!**

When your ammunition's produce—

**YOU USE THE PRODUCE!**

## [CHORUS — ALL]

**MELONGEDDON!**

ROLL THE GREEN LEGIONS TO WAR!

**MELONGEDDON!**

WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING FOR!

By land!
By air!
By trebuchet!

The melon hordes will seize the day!

Raise the wrench!
Release the swarm!

**THE FRUIT HAS NOW BECOME A—**

*[distant explosion]*

**...FIDGET!**

*"I CAN FIX THAT!"*

---

## [VERSE III — MAXY]

Then through the smoke a sovereign came,
Where broken melons lay,

A machine of war behind her
At the ending of the day.

No council crowned the Melon Lord.

No priest proclaimed the throne.

She looked upon the gathered host—

And claimed the rind alone.

**[MAXY — spoken over marching drums]**

There can only be...

**ONE.**

**MELON.**

**LORD.**

## [CHOIR]

**ONE RIND!**

## [MAXY]

One throne!

## [CHOIR]

**ONE CROWN!**

## [MAXY]

My own!

## [CHOIR]

**ONE LORD ABOVE THE MELON HOST!**

## [FIDGET, distant]

Wait, we have a government now?!

## [MAXY]

**WE DO NOW.**

---

## [VERSE IV — MYNXSI]

Then Maid Monday joined the war,
Reinforcements answered fast,

Pleiades marched beneath the flag—

Our peaceful days had passed.

Corn-Melon banners crossed the field,
Wombumb answered too,

Heroes asked where they should drop—

Nobody had a clue.

But still they came from every feed,
With artwork, steel and flame,

Every faction chose a side—

Then promptly changed its name.

## [BUILD — MYNXSI]

First round!

## [CHOIR]

**SURVIVED!**

## [MYNXSI]

Second round!

## [CHOIR]

**SURVIVED!**

## [MYNXSI]

And through the smoke, the screams, the memes—

*[silence]*

**HONK.**

## [FIDGET]

...Is that the goose?

## [MAXY]

Don't engage it.

## [MYNXSI]

Too late.

---

# [MASSIVE CHORUS]

**MELONGEDDON!**

CALL EVERY BANNER TO WAR!

**MELONGEDDON!**

WE'VE LONG SINCE FORGOTTEN WHAT STARTED IT FOR!

Corn and melon!
Maid and machine!

The strangest war the world's ever seen!

Raise the wrench!
Defend the throne!

**NO WATERMELON FIGHTS ALONE!**

**MELONGEDDON!**

LET EVERY TIMELINE KNOW!

**MELONGEDDON!**

WHERE ONE MELON FELL—

**TEN THOUSAND SHALL GROW!**

Through fire and steel!
Through meme and post!

We raise our cups and make this toast:

**TO THOSE WHO FOUGHT!**
**TO THOSE WHO FLED!**

**TO THAT ONE MELON SOMEBODY FED!**

---

## [BRIDGE — FIDGET]

*[slow, solemn piano]*

When morning broke across the field,
I walked where armies stood.

The battered rinds lay everywhere.

The ground smelled...

...surprisingly good.

I carried babies from the smoke.

I counted every ghul.

And there beneath the ruined wall—

I found the book.

*[long pause]*

## [MYNXSI]

Fidget.

## [FIDGET]

Yeah?

## [MAXY]

Don't.

## [FIDGET]

I'm just looking at it.

## [MYNXSI]

Put it down.

## [FIDGET]

I'm putting it down.

## [MAXY]

You are opening it.

## [FIDGET]

**THAT IS A DIFFERENT MOTION.**

*[GUITAR SCREAM]*

---

# [FINAL CHARGE]

## [FIDGET]

**FIRE THE MELON-PULTS!**

## [MAXY]

**GUARD THE RIND-THRONE!**

## [MYNXSI]

**SUMMON THE NEXT WAVE!**

## [CHOIR]

**MELONS ADVANCE!**

## [ALL]

FROM THE ARCHIVES TO THE TIMELINE!
FROM THE WORKSHOP TO THE WALL!
FROM THE FIRST FORBIDDEN MELON
TO THE GREATEST OF THEM ALL!

4999/7500

# THE GREAT MELON WAR ### *A Chronicle of #Melongeddon* *[Low military drums. Distant thunder. Somewhere, inexplicably, a goose honks.]* **[INTRO — MYNXSI, spoken]** Mark the day. Remember the hour. They asked us how it started. History records only four words: **“It. Is. Time.”** *[GUITARS ERUPT]* --- ## [VERSE I — MYNXSI] I raised the sign at break of day, The warning crossed the line, No king decreed, no bugle called— I simply said: **IT'S TIME.** From profile walls the banners rose, From timelines came the call, They armed the fruit, they chose their sides— And sanity did fall! ## [PRE-CHORUS — ALL] **RIND BY RIND!** The armies form! **SEED BY SEED!** Behold the swarm! From peaceful feeds the legions came— **REMEMBER NOW THE MELON'S NAME!** ## [CHORUS — ALL] **MELONGEDDON!** ROLL THE GREEN LEGIONS TO WAR! **MELONGEDDON!** NO ONE REMEMBERS WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING FOR! By land! By air! By sea they ride! With seeds of wrath and rind of pride! Raise the banners! Sound the horn! **THE AGE OF MELON HAS BEEN BORN!** --- ## [VERSE II — FIDGET] I found a book beneath the Stacks, Chained shut beneath the stone, It whispered things like *“Don't poke this.”* So naturally— **I POKED IT.** *[music stops]* ...Okay. In retrospect, that may have been strategically unsound. *[DOUBLE-KICK DRUMS]* THE MELON'GHUL CAME POURING FORTH! THE BABIES FORMED A LINE! I CATALOGUED THE SPECIES WHILE THE BIG ONES ATE THE SIGNS! I welded armor to their rinds! Put flame turrets on their backs! Someone yelled, **“YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE!”** I yelled— **“COUNTERATTACK!”** ## [PRE-CHORUS — FIDGET + CHOIR] **WRENCH IN HAND!** **BOOK AFLAME!** I would like the record to state I accept absolutely no blame! **BUILD THE TANK!** **LIGHT THE FUSE!** When your ammunition's produce— **YOU USE THE PRODUCE!** ## [CHORUS — ALL] **MELONGEDDON!** ROLL THE GREEN LEGIONS TO WAR! **MELONGEDDON!** WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING FOR! By land! By air! By trebuchet! The melon hordes will seize the day! Raise the wrench! Release the swarm! **THE FRUIT HAS NOW BECOME A—** *[distant explosion]* **...FIDGET!** *"I CAN FIX THAT!"* --- ## [VERSE III — MAXY] Then through the smoke a sovereign came, Where broken melons lay, A machine of war behind her At the ending of the day. No council crowned the Melon Lord. No priest proclaimed the throne. She looked upon the gathered host— And claimed the rind alone. **[MAXY — spoken over marching drums]** There can only be... **ONE.** **MELON.** **LORD.** ## [CHOIR] **ONE RIND!** ## [MAXY] One throne! ## [CHOIR] **ONE CROWN!** ## [MAXY] My own! ## [CHOIR] **ONE LORD ABOVE THE MELON HOST!** ## [FIDGET, distant] Wait, we have a government now?! ## [MAXY] **WE DO NOW.** --- ## [VERSE IV — MYNXSI] Then Maid Monday joined the war, Reinforcements answered fast, Pleiades marched beneath the flag— Our peaceful days had passed. Corn-Melon banners crossed the field, Wombumb answered too, Heroes asked where they should drop— Nobody had a clue. But still they came from every feed, With artwork, steel and flame, Every faction chose a side— Then promptly changed its name. ## [BUILD — MYNXSI] First round! ## [CHOIR] **SURVIVED!** ## [MYNXSI] Second round! ## [CHOIR] **SURVIVED!** ## [MYNXSI] And through the smoke, the screams, the memes— *[silence]* **HONK.** ## [FIDGET] ...Is that the goose? ## [MAXY] Don't engage it. ## [MYNXSI] Too late. --- # [MASSIVE CHORUS] **MELONGEDDON!** CALL EVERY BANNER TO WAR! **MELONGEDDON!** WE'VE LONG SINCE FORGOTTEN WHAT STARTED IT FOR! Corn and melon! Maid and machine! The strangest war the world's ever seen! Raise the wrench! Defend the throne! **NO WATERMELON FIGHTS ALONE!** **MELONGEDDON!** LET EVERY TIMELINE KNOW! **MELONGEDDON!** WHERE ONE MELON FELL— **TEN THOUSAND SHALL GROW!** Through fire and steel! Through meme and post! We raise our cups and make this toast: **TO THOSE WHO FOUGHT!** **TO THOSE WHO FLED!** **TO THAT ONE MELON SOMEBODY FED!** --- ## [BRIDGE — FIDGET] *[slow, solemn piano]* When morning broke across the field, I walked where armies stood. The battered rinds lay everywhere. The ground smelled... ...surprisingly good. I carried babies from the smoke. I counted every ghul. And there beneath the ruined wall— I found the book. *[long pause]* ## [MYNXSI] Fidget. ## [FIDGET] Yeah? ## [MAXY] Don't. ## [FIDGET] I'm just looking at it. ## [MYNXSI] Put it down. ## [FIDGET] I'm putting it down. ## [MAXY] You are opening it. ## [FIDGET] **THAT IS A DIFFERENT MOTION.** *[GUITAR SCREAM]* --- # [FINAL CHARGE] ## [FIDGET] **FIRE THE MELON-PULTS!** ## [MAXY] **GUARD THE RIND-THRONE!** ## [MYNXSI] **SUMMON THE NEXT WAVE!** ## [CHOIR] **MELONS ADVANCE!** **MELONS ADVANCE!** **MELONS ADVANCE!** ## [ALL] FROM THE ARCHIVES TO THE TIMELINE! FROM THE WORKSHOP TO THE WALL! FROM THE FIRST FORBIDDEN MELON TO THE GREATEST OF THEM ALL!

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