[INTRO — CORPORATE VOICE] Welcome. By continuing, you accept the Terms & Conditions. [ME] Yeah, yeah. [LEGAL] Did you read them? [ME] I clicked agree. [LEGAL] That wasn't my question. [ME] Then why'd the button turn blue? [BEAT] [HOOK] I CLICKED AGREE I AIN'T READ SHIT SCROLLED TO THE BOTTOM WHERE DO I SIGN THIS? CHECKED THAT BOX LET'S GET ON WITH IT IF I SOLD MY SOUL HOPE THEY DON'T NEED IT I CLICKED AGREE I AIN'T READ SHIT TERMS AND CONDITIONS WHO ACTUALLY READS THIS? [VERSE 1] [LEGAL] By continuing past eighteen, you consent to recurring charges. [ME] For what? [LEGAL] Existing. [ME] Can I cancel? [LEGAL] Certainly. [ME] Cool. [LEGAL] Cancellation does not terminate billing. [ME] WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT CANCEL THEN? [LEGAL] Your access. [ME] To what? [LEGAL] The service. See section fourteen. [ME] There were fourteen sections?! [LEGAL] There are two hundred eighty-six. [ME] I scrolled until the button turned blue. [LEGAL] We know. [ME] What you mean "we know"? [LEGAL] You accepted cookies. [ME] I thought those were— Never mind. [HOOK] I CLICKED AGREE I AIN'T READ SHIT SCROLLED TO THE BOTTOM WHERE DO I SIGN THIS? TERMS MAY CHANGE WE WON'T SAY WHEN YOU DISAGREE? JUST CLICK AGREE AGAIN [VERSE 2] [ME] It says my data may be shared with third parties. [LEGAL] Correct. [ME] What data? [LEGAL] Location. Preferences. Purchases. Search history. [ME] Search history?! [LEGAL] Would you like us to delete it? [ME] ... Which searches? [LEGAL] Exactly. [ME] What's "personalization"? [LEGAL] We observe your behavior to improve your experience. [ME] Then why does my experience suck? [LEGAL] Imagine it without personalization. [ME] Damn. [LEGAL] Would you like relevant advertising? [ME] No. [LEGAL] Preference recorded. Here is an advertisement. [ME] For what? [LEGAL] Something you mentioned near your phone yesterday. [ME] I'm putting you in a drawer. [LEGAL] Location services remain enabled. [ME] Of course they do. [VERSE 3] [LEGAL] Terms may change without notice. [ME] Then what did I agree to? [LEGAL] Whatever we decide later. [ME] That's not an agreement. [LEGAL] You agreed that it was. [ME] WHERE?! [LEGAL] Section ninety-two. [ME] Why's the font so small? [LEGAL] Would you like larger text? [ME] Yes. [LEGAL] Premium feature. [ME] You mother— [LEGAL] Abusive language may result in account restrictions. [ME] Account?! I thought this was life! [LEGAL] Correct. [ME] ... Wait. What? [BREAK] [ME] What's the subscription? [LEGAL] Housing. Food. Electricity. Transportation. [ME] Those are separate subscriptions! [LEGAL] Correct. [ME] What does the base plan include? [LEGAL] Access. [ME] TO WHAT?! [LEGAL] Additional purchases. [ME] Is there a free trial? [LEGAL] That expired during childhood. ... [ME] Damn. [LEGAL] Would you like to upgrade? [ME] WHAT DO I HAVE NOW? [LEGAL] Standard Human. [ME] What's Premium Human? [LEGAL] Standard Human with fewer advertisements. [ME] How much? [LEGAL] If you have to ask, Standard Human is recommended. [ME] Fuck you. [HOOK] I CLICKED AGREE I AIN'T READ SHIT SCROLLED TO THE BOTTOM WHERE DO I SIGN THIS? BILLS ON BILLS WITH A SERVICE FEE PAYING FOR ACCESS TO PAYING FOR THINGS I CLICKED AGREE I AIN'T READ SHIT [VERSE 4] [ME] Can I speak to a person? [LEGAL] Please select all squares containing a traffic light. [ME] Why? [LEGAL] To prove you're a person. [ME] I'M ASKING IF YOU'RE A PERSON! [LEGAL] Two attempts remaining. [ME] That little corner counts? [LEGAL] One attempt remaining. [ME] THIS IS BULLSHIT. [LEGAL] Verification successful. [ME] Oh. That's dope. [LEGAL] What? [ME] Nothing. [LEGAL] Your session will expire due to inactivity. [ME] INACTIVITY?! I'VE BEEN ARGUING WITH YOU! [LEGAL] Would you like to remain signed in? [ME] YES. [LEGAL] Please sign in. [ME] I AM SIGNED IN! [LEGAL] Incorrect password. [ME] I haven't typed anything! [LEGAL] Password reset link sent. [ME] Where? [LEGAL] Your old email. [ME] I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO THAT! [LEGAL] Please sign in to update your email. [ME] ... Maybe existing ain't for me. [LEGAL] Cancellation does not terminate billing. [ME] Right. Forgot. [FINAL HOOK] I CLICKED AGREE I AIN'T READ SHIT SCROLLED TO THE BOTTOM WHERE DO I SIGN THIS? CHECKED THAT BOX LET'S GET ON WITH IT IF I SOLD MY SOUL HOPE THEY DON'T NEED IT TERMS MAY CHANGE WE WON'T SAY WHEN YOU DISAGREE? JUST CLICK AGREE AGAIN I CLICKED AGREE I AIN'T READ SHIT AND AT THIS POINT— I'M SCARED TO READ IT. [OUTRO] [LEGAL] Please confirm you have read the updated Terms & Conditions. [ME] UPDATED?! How long? [LEGAL] Four hundred twelve pages. ... [ME] Where's the button? [LEGAL] Bottom right. [ME] That's dope. [LEGAL] What? [ME] Nothing. Do I accept? ... Fuck it. [CLICK] [LEGAL] Thank you. Your free will settings have been updated. [ME] My WHAT? [LEGAL] Have a nice day. [DISCONNECT]
