[Intro — rapid auctioneer chant, minimal beat] Well I got one offer, got another, got another coming in Got a recruiter on the left and another dialing in Can I get a better package, better bonus, better deal? Better tell me what you’re offering and tell me if it’s real Six figures on the table, can you raise it, can you match? Got the healthcare, got the dental, got the equity attached Going higher, going higher, who’s prepared to make it sweet? If you want me in the building, better bring a better sheet— [Beat cuts] Do I hear REMOTE? [Dance beat DROP] [Verse 1 — auctioneer chant, very fast] Remote remote, who’ll give remote? Four-day week and a signing note? Match that match, can you match that stack? 401(k) with a company match PTO, PTO, give me more Who’s got flexibility? Going once—four! Stock on top with a bonus too Who’s gonna bid for the work I do? One says lunch and a corner view One says, “Pick your hours—we trust you.” One says unlimited PTO— But first. Define unlimited. [Pre-Chorus — bright bubblegum pop] You want my time? You want my brain? Better sweeten up the deal again Bring your best Don’t play it cool Welcome to the offer duel [Chorus — huge dance-pop hook] Bid it up, bid it up, let’s go higher Offers climbing, light the wire You want me on your team tonight? Better bring that offer right Bid it up, bid it up, don’t delay Three recruiters calling me today Best deal wins, that’s the rule Welcome to the JOB OFFER DUEL [Post-Chorus] Bid-bid-bid it up Bid-bid-bid it up Benefits, balance, bonus too— WHO’S GONNA WIN THE OFFER DUEL? [Verse 2 — faster auction chant] Got one on line one, line two, line three One wants hybrid, one’s fully remote for me One got equity, one got stock One says “log off five o’clock” Can you beat it? Can you top it? Can you add another profit? Relocation? Education? Paid vacation? Negotiation! Healthcare good? Deductible low? How’s that workload? Need to know What’s the culture? What’s the catch? Put it in writing—then we’ll match! [Pre-Chorus] You want my time? You want my brain? Better sweeten up the deal again Bring your best Don’t play it cool Welcome to the offer duel [Chorus] Bid it up, bid it up, let’s go higher Offers climbing, light the wire You want me on your team tonight? Better bring that offer right Bid it up, bid it up, don’t delay Three recruiters calling me today Best deal wins, that’s the rule Welcome to the JOB OFFER DUEL [Bridge — auctioneer goes increasingly chaotic, music strips back] Alright, six figures—six figures—who’ll go higher? Signing bonus, annual bonus, now we’re talking, buyer! Remote on Monday, Tuesday too Wednesday? Better make that remote too! Four weeks vacation—do I hear five? Flexible hours so I stay alive Equity, healthcare, learning stipend— Who’s got childcare? THROW THAT IN! Do I hear boundaries? BOUNDARIES! Do I hear trust? TRUST! Do I hear “no emails after six?” SOLD! [Huge dance-pop drop] [Final Chorus] Bid it up, bid it up, let’s go higher Good work shouldn’t mean burnout required You want me on your team tonight? Better bring that offer right Bid it up, bid it up, here we go Money matters but I need more Best whole deal, that’s the rule That’s how you win the OFFER DUEL [Outro — auctioneer over fading beat] Going once—good pay Going twice—PTO Going three times—work-life balance— SOLD! To the job that lets me LOG. OFF. [gavel hit]
