**Intro — Announcer** Ladies, gentlemen, muppets, bellends, absolute disasters, and whoever let Dave near the microphone— Welcome to the **INSULT ROAST TOUR!** No refunds. No dignity. No country left unroasted. **Verse 1 — Britain & Ireland** First stop Britain, grey sky overhead, London says “mate” like a threat instead. Scotland drops “cunt” like punctuation all day, Wales laughs from the side while England says, “You okay?” Ireland just grins, then lands one clean line, The sort that ruins your week while sounding perfectly fine. You came in cocky, you leave slightly sore— And that’s only stop number one on the tour. **Pre-Chorus** Pack your ego, bring your pride, You’ll lose them both before tonight. Stamp the passport, board the flight, Every country’s got a roast lined up just right. **Chorus** It’s the **Insult Roast Tour**, Worldwide disgrace, Every country’s got a comeback Ready for your face. From London to Sydney, Toronto to Rome, You travelled round the whole damn world Just to get roasted far from home. It’s the **Insult Roast Tour**, No dignity allowed, You walk in like a legend, Then get humbled by the crowd. North, south, east, west, There’s nowhere left to hide, Your confidence flew first class— Your common sense missed the ride. **Verse 2 — North America** Canada starts polite: “Sorry, but you’re kind of a mess.” Which somehow hurts much worse When they say it with kindness and stress. New York gives you three words: “Move. You’re blocking.” Texas smiles sweetly: “Bless your heart,” then keeps walking. California smiles, posts the clip, Then lets the comments do the rest. By lunchtime you’re trending As “confidence with no evidence.” **Tour Announcement** Attention passengers: The tour bus is delayed because Kevin tried to fight a vending machine. Kevin lost. The vending machine remains undefeated. **Verse 3 — Australia & New Zealand** Australia barely warms up: “Mate, you’re cooked.” One sentence, job done, No dictionary required. Melbourne roasts your haircut, Sydney roasts your shoes, Then both agree your personality Could use a software reboot. New Zealand keeps it quiet, Then lands the cleaner blow: “Bro, you’re not the brightest bulb.” And somehow that hurts more. **Chorus** It’s the **Insult Roast Tour**, Worldwide disgrace, Every country’s got a comeback Ready for your face. From London to Sydney, Toronto to Rome, You travelled round the whole damn world Just to get roasted far from home. **Verse 4 — Europe** France gives one shrug And somehow ends your career. Germany brings a chart Explaining why you shouldn’t be here. Italy uses both hands, Spain says you’re underdone, The Netherlands checks the knife drawer— You’re definitely not the sharp one. Sweden checks the horses, Finland checks the Moomins too, Norway checks the brightest minds— None of them are you. **Rap Break — Global Rapid Fire** Britain: **muppet.** Scotland: **weapon.** Ireland: one sentence, Emotional damage. Canada: “Sorry.” New York: “Move.” Texas: “Bless your heart.” That one really bruised. France: shrug. Germany: chart. Italy: hands. Spain: “Needs another start.” Australia: “Mate, you’re cooked.” New Zealand: “Bit dim.” Japan: missed the train. Seoul: Wi-Fi brain. Brazil: confidence first. Mexico: plan fell through. South Africa kept it simple: “Big mouth. Small clue.” **BREAKING NEWS** We interrupt the Insult Roast Tour with an emergency update. A British tourist has attempted to roast an Australian. The Australian laughed. The British tourist has requested backup. Scotland is on the way. **Bridge** Your ego left London, Your pride died in France, Your logic got lost Somewhere outside Amsterdam. Your confidence reached Sydney, Your brain missed Peru, And nobody can explain Why neither travelled with you. **Final Chorus** It’s the **Insult Roast Tour**, Final boarding call, You came here feeling ten feet tall And left about this small. From rainy little Britain To every distant shore, Every country had one insult— Then came back with twenty more. It’s the **Insult Roast Tour**, Raise your pint and cheer, If you survived the roasting, Congratulations—you can leave through here. But before you go, The entire world has one final thing to say: Your comeback’s still buffering. Your brain’s still loading. Your ego’s overweight. And your two remaining brain cells are still fighting for third place.
