December 26th. Day after Christmas. Late christmas party with familly the night before.... Uncle Cletus wouldn't shut up about some crypto investment scam he was trying to get me into! I gotta work. Alarm goes off. 3 AM. stumble to the kitchen. trip over the cat. step on a lego. i see it on the counter. Their gift to me. Gallon jug. Hand-painted. "World's Best Dad." one of them did the apostrophe wrong.... I love it!. I'll use it. Fill it to the brim. ....Black. Get in the car. Seatbelt around the jug. Quarter down by the highway. Swerving a little. Red and blue lights... Cop taps my window... "License and registration." I look at him. ..Look at my jug. Three-quarters left. Shhhhhhhh. DON'T TALK TO ME! DON'T TALK TO ME! NOT TILL I'VE HAD THIS WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE! I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE THE LAW! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAW! NOT TILL I'VE HAD THIS WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE! Cops don't like being shushed. Handcuffs.... Station. ... Cavity search..... Sobriety test. They test the coffee!? It's just coffee!. Four hours later finely Released. Show up to work. 11:47 AM. Boss is waiting. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! The system crashed! I've been doing YOUR job!" I set down the jug. ..........Thunk. "World's Best Dad" facing him. Half a gallon left. Shhhhhhhh. DON'T TALK TO ME! DON'T TALK TO ME! NOT TILL I'VE HAD THIS WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE! I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FRUSTRATION! I DON'T OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION! NOT TILL I'VE HAD THIS WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE! turns out You can't shush your boss. ..Well. ... You can. ...But only once. Security escort. Cardboard box. Photo of the kids. The jug comes with me. Drive home. 2 PM. Kids hear the car. "DADDY! Can we play?!" Christmas pajamas. Faces lit up. Quarter left in the jug. Shhhhhhhh. They back away. Wife appears in the doorway. Sees the box. Sees me. "Why are you home? It's 2 o'clock. What's in the box?" She sees the jug in my hand. "What happened? Did you get FIRED?" Her voice getting louder. Higher. "What is WRONG with you?!" Two inches left...... Cold now. I look at her. Love of my life. Mother of my darling children. I raise the cup. Shhhhhhhh. DON'T TALK TO ME! DON'T TALK TO ME! NOT TILL I'VE HAD THIS WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE! I SEE THE ANGER IN YOUR EYES! I KNOW I'VE CROSSED THE LINE! NOT TILL I'VE HAD THIS WHOLE CUP OF— She grabs the jug. Rips it out of my hands. "World's Best Dad" handle breaking off in my grip. She lifts it over my head. Our eyes meet. She tips it. Cold coffee. All of it. Pouring down my face. My shirt. My shoes. Neighbors watching from across the street. She drops the empty jug. It bounces. Doesn't break. "World's Best Dad" staring up at me from the driveway. She walks inside. Slams the door. I stand there. Dripping. I look down at the empty jug. Then I smile. PLEASE TALK TO ME! PLEASE TALK TO ME! I'VE JUST FINISHED MY WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE! IT'S DRIPPING DOWN MY FACE! IT'S ALL OVER THE PLACE! BUT NOW I'VE HAD MY WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE! PLEASE TALK TO ME! PLEASE TALK TO ME! NOW I'VE HAD MY WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE! WORLD'S BEST DAD! WORST DAY I'VE EVER HAD! NOW I'VE HAD MY WHOLE... CUP... OF... COFFEE! World's Best Dad.
