walked into this den of misery, a caffeine-craving wretch! smell the burned beans haunting me, i'm strung out on this stretch! eyes are bleeding, hands are shaking, need the juice to make it through! gotta power up the will to live before the day is through! stepped up to the counter, met the barista's glassy eyes! some kid named chad who looks at me with emptiness and lies! i said "just black coffee, dark as hell, that's all i fucking need!" he gave a nod, a smirk, and then commenced a traitorous deed! i saw him grab the syrup bottle, saw him reach for fucking milk! my soul cried out in agony, my sanity did wilt! c! a! p! p! u! c! c! i! n! o! (c) - charcoal! you burned the beans, you son of a whore! (a) - abomination! a drink i fucking abhor! (p) - pathetic! this tastes like water and despair! (p) - putrescent! like something died in there! (u) - unforgivable! you used last hour's brew! (c) - cunt! this isn't black, it's a shit-colored goo! (c) - curse you! and your entire bloodline's name! (i) - incompetent! this is a sin, a flame! (n) - no! i will not pay this fee! (o) - obliterate! this drink and everything i see! i grab the cup, the flimsy lid, it buckles in my hand! a flood of tepid, brownish liquid spills across the land! my fingers burn, my patience dies, i lock my eyes on chad! he's on his phone, he's taking selfies, looking placid, glad! i see the manager in back, a coward in a visor! she's counting beans and ignoring this catastrophic crisis! this isn't just wrong coffee, it's a personal attack! you gave me sugared dishwater instead of simple black! so i'll return this cup of piss, this warm and watered sin! and watch as all their faces of indifference grow thin! c! a! p! p! u! c! c! i! n! o! (blegh!) c - charcoal! you burned the beans, you son of a whore! a - abomination! a drink i fucking abhor! p - pathetic! this tastes like water and despair! p - putrescent! like something died in there! u - unforgivable! you used last hour's brew! c - cunt! this isn't black, it's a shit-colored goo! c - curse you! and your entire bloodline's name! i - incompetent! this is a sin, a flame! n - no! i will not pay this fee! o - obliterate! this drink and everything i see! ahem... excuse me, chad'? i said black. coffee. why does this smell like vanilla? i am lactose intolerant. you have not just ruined my day. you have declared war on my digestive system. you! broke! the! sacred! code! (you fuck!) you! spilled! my! caffeine! load! (you fuck!) no! cream! no! sugar! just! black! (you fuck!) this! is! the! price! for! your! minimum! wage! (you fuck!)
