WH 40k. Ksun Bakir. Today Is a Day Off

[Intro - cheerful mechanical melody] Attention, all legions! Today’s order number is… Uh… Cryptek, what number are we on? — My Queen, seven million four hundred— Doesn’t matter. Write this down: TODAY — NO APOCALYPSE! — None at all? None. — Not even a little one? … Fine. One little apocalypse. But only after lunch. [Verse I] Ksun woke up at seven today, Though sleep is something she doesn’t need anyway. She gazed at the stars in the endless dark: — No wars today. No terror. No sparks. The Cryptek came running: — My Queen! Urgent report! The Tyranids are heading straight for the storage vault! — Which one? — The one with the flowers… and the lemonade. [Silence] — … MY FLOWERS?! [Pre-Chorus] The legions stood ready. The Monoliths awakened. The gauss weapons charged. — I think your day off is over. — No. We talk first. [Chorus] KSUN BAKIR HAS A DAY OFF TODAY! Don’t touch the planets! Don’t argue with the Queen! KSUN BAKIR HAS A DAY OFF TODAY! Let at least one world survive this evening! The Necrons are dancing, the Crypteks complain, The Monoliths flash like a mechanical rave! And even her enemies understand someday: DON’T ANNOY KSUN BAKIR WHEN SHE’S HAVING A DAY OFF TODAY! [Verse II] Ksun decided to go for a walk. — Without guards? You can’t! — Why? — It’s dangerous! She looked behind her at the ranks of her legions. — Dangerous for whom? The Cryptek went silent. — Fair point. Near the ruins, an Ork was hiding. — Are you gonna destroy me? — No. — Put me in a museum? — Not today. — Tomorrow? — Don’t push your luck. He handed her a tiny flower. Ksun stared at it. Then at the Ork. Then back at the flower. — Cryptek. — Yes? — If anyone finds out about this… — The archive has already been deleted. — Good Cryptek. [Chorus] KSUN BAKIR HAS A DAY OFF TODAY! No catastrophes, no brand-new wars! KSUN BAKIR HAS A DAY OFF TODAY! And somehow her enemies are still alive! — THIS VIOLATES EVERY PROTOCOL! — But it’s fun. [Bridge - funky mechanical groove] At noon, an Imperial diplomat arrived. Very serious. Very important. Very terrified. — Great Ksun Bakir! — Skip the “Great.” I’m having a day off. — We have come to decide the fate of the sector! — After tea. — But the sector could be destroyed! — After tea. — But— — TEA. [small choir] Tea-a-a-a… The diplomat looked at the teapot. — But… you don’t drink. — I know. — Then why have tea? Ksun looked at him. — Atmosphere. [Bridge II - mock epic] Suddenly the alarms began to scream! — MY QUEEN! THERE’S A FLEET IN ORBIT! — Imperium? — No. — Orks? — No. — Tyranids? — No. — THEN WHO?! The Cryptek checked the screen. — A courier. — … — Delivery of the garden lights you ordered. — I never ordered those. — You did. — When? — Five million years ago. [long pause] — Ahhh… Fine, then. [Final Chorus - huge happy choir] KSUN BAKIR HAS A DAY OFF TODAY! Green stars are shining over the ground! KSUN BAKIR HAS A DAY OFF TODAY! And even Death itself can wait until dawn! The legions are laughing — as well as they can, The Crypteks for once aren’t invading a land! And somewhere among the cold, lifeless worlds, The Queen has decided: TODAY, JUST FLOWERS ARE ENOUGH. [Outro - quiet cheerful mechanical melody] Dynasty archive entry: “Today, Ksun Bakir did not destroy a single planet.” [mechanical voice] Statistical anomaly detected. Probability of recurrence: … — I can hear you. [click] — Archive deleted! — And the flower? — I kept the flower. [short pause] — Good Cryptek. [light mechanical laughter, music fades]