Glory, Beard of mine! (V2)

ha ha ha, HA HA HA, HAAA! Oi! Look upon the glory of this beard! Hey! Open your eyes—make certain I am heard! Ho there! Halt your chatter, fix your stare! You there! Yes you—quit gawking at the air! Attend! Tremble at the might I wear! Hark! There’s history tangled in this hair! Pay heed! This is no stubble thin and weak! Hold fast! This is a fortress on my cheek! Look sharp! Do not pretend you fail to see! By thunder! Such splendor crowns only me! Take note! Each strand is tempered, tough as mail! Gather round! Let lesser whiskers pale! Glory! Glory! Beard of mine! Braided bold by fate divine! Clash your steel and beat the drum— This beard declares what I’ve become! Stamp your boots and raise a cry! Let envy spark in every eye! Long it flows, untamed, unscared— All hail the glory of this beard! Steady now! Do not avert your gaze! Mind yourselves! You’re caught within its blaze! Hear me! Legends cling to every braid! Eyes up! See the shadow it has made! Observe! A masterpiece of bristle and bone! Attention! Such grandeur stands alone! Look alive! It parts the crowd like sea from shore! Stand aside! You’ve never seen the like before! Listen well! Even kings would stroke in shame! Have a look! And whisper low my name! Mark this day! Your standards just were lowered! Look here! All other beards are overpowered! ha ha ha, HA HA HA, HAAA! "You are jealous, are ye not?" "I see it in your squint—deny it if you’ve got!" "Does it haunt you in your sleep?" "Do your patchy whiskers make you weep?" "Go on then—say it plain!" "Have you ever grown a beard this grand, this untamed?" "Or does your chin lie bare and cold?" "Afraid of braids? Afraid of bold?" "Would you trade your boots and blade?" "For even half the shade this beard has made?" Answer me! Speak up! Don’t hide! Or choke upon your wounded pride! Glory! Glory! Beard of mine! Braided bold by fate divine! Let the rafters shake with cheer— The mightiest mane is standing here! Roar it loud and stomp the floor! You’ll not see such growth once more! From root to tip, declared and flared— All hail the thunder in this beard! ha ha ha, HA HA HA, HAAA! "Oi! Silence now—look again, behold the full power, hear me roar, see how my whiskers shame the frost giants, terrify the trolls, make goblins hide, cause dragons to blink, send elves to their knees, startle dwarves mid-forge, make unicorns whinny in awe, start the kraken in the deep to curl back to its lair, halt phoenixes in their flames, cause sirens to weep into the waves, turn centaurs to stare dumbstruck, leave mermaids clutching scales and shouting “Alas we are nothing to this beard!” —yes every beast, every spirit, every creature of legend, all cry in fear, all quake in despair, all bow before the glory, the thunder, the unstoppable, the untouchable, the eternal… beard!"