Master of the Gravel

[Silence] [Spoken Word] "Now, you’ve gotta feel for me, ain’t ya?" "I was proper made up when they put me up ’ere back in nineteen-twenty-four." "There was a big brass band and the Mayor was there with a chain so heavy he looked like he was bein’ towed by a push-bike." "And I’m finkin’"... "This is it, Fred." "You’ve made it." "You’re a focal point." [Acoustic Guitar: Single Wood Thump] [Spoken Word] "But forty-eight hours later, I realized bein’ a "focal point" just means you're the only thing in the park that can't run away when the pigeons start cir-clin'." ... "It starts at six in the mornin’ with the Advance Guard..." "A wood pigeon called Hubert"... "He lands right on my medals with a thud that vibrates my shins, and he just stares at me..." "vacant."... "I’m envious of ’im, I really am." "And I’m finkin’"... "He’s got options." "He can go to the cafe... I’m stuck ’ere, lookin’ noble, while he treats my heroic sash like a branch of the A-thirteen." [Spoken Word] "Then come the joggers." "Oh, yes, the joggers!"... "Nipple-tape and Lycra, huffin’ like a steam engine in a tracksuit." "They use my plinth to stretch their hamstrings." "I’ve had more sweaty foreheads leaned against my boots than a doctor in a heatwave." "I saw one fella today, doin’ those deep LUN-jiz." "He’s lookin’ at a dandelion by my toe, and he’s cryin’ with effort." "And I’m finkin’"... "At least your knees bend, mate! I’ve ’ad a locked joint since the Jazz Age!" "I’d trade all my medals just to be able to rub a bit of Deep Heat on my bronze... buttocks!"" [Chorus; Melodic, Jaunty Folk Style] Oh, it’s grand to be a hero, in a silent, stony way, But it’s beastly when you’re desperate... for a holiday. I’m envious of the weeds, I’m jealous of the flies... I’m just a very lonely hero... with bird poop in my eyes. [Chorus: High Energy] Oh, it’s a bit of a laugh, stood ’ere in the rain, With a face like a slapped bottom and a rusty stain. I’m the Master of the Gravel, I’m the King of Dust and Grit, A very lonely statue... Who is truly sick of it. [Spoken Word] "Midday is the worst."... "The Lunchtime Lovers." "They sit right at my base, sharing a cheese and onion sarnie." "And they start gettin'... " "Well, a bit lively."... "Now, I’m a Victorian General. I’ve got standards! But I’m a captive audience, aren't I?" "Well, I can’t exactly look away or rattle my medals."... "I saw one lad try to feed his girlfriend a cherry to-mah-toe"... "Missed!"... "And it rolled right into my bronze boot-crease." "It’s still there."... "It’s fermented now"... "And I’m finkin’"... "I’m probably the only statue in London with a vintage to-mah-toe aging in his footwear." [Spoken Word] "And then the sun goes down, and the park gets quiet. That’s when the envy really kicks in." "I watch the foxes... skittering through the bins." "And I’m finkin’"... "At least they’re moving."... "I watch the trees, even the old elm that’s lost half its bark is shivering."... "I’d give anything to shiver." "Just to have a bit of a wobble."... "You know?" "To feel the wind actually move something other than the... Caution Wet Floor sign the parkie’s left leaned against my backside." [Spoken Word] "I saw a couple on the bench last night," "Havin' a bit of a"... "Well, you know." "And I’m stood there, eyes wide open. " "I can’t exactly look away, can I?" "I’m a bronze voyeur! " "It’s not in the contract!" "And I’m finkin’"... "Move three feet to the left, I’ll get a better angle!"... "But I just stood there. " "Stiff as a"... "Well, you get the idea." [Chorus Reprise: Melodic, Somber Folk Style] Oh, it’s grand to be a hero, in a silent, stony way, But it’s beastly when you’re desperate... for a holiday. I’m envious of the weeds, I’m jealous of the flies... I’m just a very lonely hero... with bird poop in my eyes. [Chorus: Powerful, Energetic Vocals] Oh, it’s a bit of a laugh, stood ’ere in the rain, With a face like a slapped bottom and a rusty stain. I’m the Master of the Gravel, I’m the King of Dust and Grit, A very lonely statue... Who is truly sick of it. [Spoken Word] "Anyway, if you’re ever in the park... give us a nod." ... "Don't be shy, give me brass a rub"... "Don’t lean your bike on me, though. The kickstand is murder on my sciatica."... "And when you see Hubert"... "Tell ’im the rent’s gone up." [Silence] [End]