OFTEN!

[Intro — deep funky bass, alien synthesizer noises] [Spoken, low male voice] Attention, attention! Funk Control to all stations! We have a green-haired emergency in Sector G! No, she ain’t attacking nobody! She’s just standing there! THAT’S THE PROBLEM! [Explosive funk downbeat] [Verse 1] She walks through the kitchen with a carrot in her hand, I’m a grown-ass man with no goddamn plan! Red frames on her face, green fire in her hair, She reaches for the coffee and I stop and stare! She ain’t gotta shake it, ain’t putting on a show, But my knees go weak everywhere she go! I say, “Good morning!” trying to be polite, My inner bass player screams— [Band stops] “GOOD GOD, THAT WOMAN’S FINE!” [Bass solo flourish] [Pre-Chorus] She says, “Honey, what’s that look?” I say, “Baby, you got me shook!” She laughs, and I lose my cool, Lord have mercy, I’m a lovesick fool! [Chorus — massive funk groove] OFTEN! (HOW OFTEN?) OFTEN! (HOW BAD?) BAD AS FUCK! THAT’S HOW BAD! OFTEN! (HOW OFTEN?) EVERY CHANCE WE GET! That green-haired woman Ain’t seen my best moves yet! OFTEN! (SAY IT AGAIN!) OFTEN! (AMEN!) If she wants to get funky, We’re gonna funk again! [Talkbox riff — “Goo-mi! Goo-mi!”] [Verse 2] She got that sweet little smile and that dangerous ease, Got a brother begging, “GUMI, PLEASE!” And she ain’t even trying, that’s the craziest part, She’s just being herself while she’s wrecking my heart! I love that woman from her head to her toes, And everybody in the goddamn galaxy knows! She calls me “Honey,” and the room gets hot, I said, “GIRL, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOT!” [Pre-Chorus] She says, “Boy, you are outrageous!” I say, “Baby, this love is contagious!” She says, “You gonna talk, or you gonna dance?” I say, “BOTH! JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE!” [Chorus] OFTEN! (HOW OFTEN?) OFTEN! (HOW BAD?) BAD AS FUCK! THAT’S HOW BAD! OFTEN! (HOW OFTEN?) EVERY CHANCE WE GET! That green-haired woman Ain’t seen my best moves yet! [Extended bass and talkbox breakdown] [Spoken — over a ridiculous bass groove] Now, ladies and gentlemen… Let’s establish the facts. Her hair is green. Her glasses are red. My intentions are inappropriate. But my love? MY LOVE IS LEGITIMATE! [Backup voices: “LEGITIMATE!”] And when she looks at me like that… [Beat stops] Aw, shit. Here we go again. [Bridge — slow, filthy-sounding funk groove] I don’t need a spaceship, don’t need no moon, Just my green-haired baby and a private room. If the bed starts playing bass, that’s just the band, Making sweet funky music all across the land! She says, “Honey, you ain’t finished yet?” I say, “Baby, we ain’t even started sweating!” She laughs so hard she nearly falls down, Then pulls me close when the lights go down. [Final Chorus — full ensemble, wild bass] OFTEN! (HOW OFTEN?) OFTEN! (HOW BAD?) BAD AS FUCK! THAT’S HOW BAD! OFTEN! (HOW OFTEN?) EVERY CHANCE WE GET! I’m the happiest funky fool This galaxy’s ever met! OFTEN! (SAY IT AGAIN!) OFTEN! (AMEN!) And if she wants another dance— WE GONNA FUNK AGAIN! [Outro — talkbox, bass and laughter] [Spoken] You know what, Goomi? I fucking love you. [Female voice, laughing] “I know, Honey.” [Male voice] …Goddamn. [Bass hits one final outrageous note] [End]