I THOUGHT THAT WAS MY PERSONALITY [VERSE 1] I thought I was funny Turns out I was reading the room Learning how to make everybody laugh before the silence got too loud Thought I was easygoing Thought I just didn’t need much Turns out “I’m fine” got really convincing when needing people felt like too much I thought I was independent like I came out built that way Didn’t know I learned to carry everything so nobody could walk away And I swear I didn’t notice I thought this was just me I thought that was my personality. [PRE-CHORUS] Be funny be useful don’t make it weird Need less talk softer keep everybody here Nobody gave me instructions I just learned what worked Then wore it for so long I forgot it ever hurt. [CHORUS] I thought that was my personality Turns out I was trying to be loved Thought I was naturally low-maintenance I was terrified of asking too much Thought I liked doing everything myself Thought I didn’t mind being alone I got so good at being easy to love I never learned how to let myself be known. I thought that was my personality. Maybe some of it was. [VERSE 2] I didn’t know every sentence had to come with a punchline Till somebody asked me why I make a joke every time something hurts mine I can tell you the worst thing that happened and somehow make the whole room laugh Then go home wondering why nobody noticed there was something underneath that I rehearse conversations with people ten feet away Edit myself before I speak then wonder why I’ve got nothing left to say I know exactly how to become whatever makes somebody comfortable And somewhere along the way I confused being wanted with being adjustable. [CHORUS] I thought that was my personality Turns out I was trying to be loved Thought I was naturally low-maintenance I was terrified of asking too much Thought I liked doing everything myself Thought I didn’t mind being alone I got so good at being easy to love I never learned how to let myself be known. [VERSE 3] I thought I hated cleaning because I couldn’t get my shit together Didn’t know a dirty room could carry twenty years of somebody else’s weather Didn’t know a sink full of dishes could make my whole body wanna run Didn’t know “clean your room” could still sound different depending who it’s coming from And I still can’t say everything I wanna say to my mom Still turn whole conversations over in my head long after they’re gone Still catch myself becoming smaller before anybody asks me to Still feel guilty for having feelings like feelings are something I do to you. [PRE-CHORUS] Be funny be helpful don’t take up space Stay useful stay pleasant keep that look off their face Nobody told me this was masking I just thought I was being good. [BRIDGE] That’s the part that gets me. I didn’t know. I didn’t know I was performing. I didn’t know I was scanning every room before I ever let myself walk into it. I didn’t know “I got it” was fear. I didn’t know “don’t worry about me” was a warning. I didn’t know being self-sufficient could be another way of saying— Please don’t decide I’m too much work. Please don’t get tired of me. Please don’t leave. [FINAL CHORUS] I thought that was my personality Turns out some of it was survival Thought I was born this complicated Maybe I just got really good at denial Thought being loved meant being easy Thought being safe meant needing none I spent my whole life becoming someone nobody would have a reason to run from And now I’m trying to meet the person under everything I learned to be Trying to figure out what I actually like what I actually need What I actually mean when there’s nobody left to please I thought that was my personality. Maybe some of it is. Maybe some of it isn’t. [OUTRO] I’m meeting myself late. She’s funny. Obviously. But I think she’s got a lot more to say.
