**Intro — Announcer** Ladies, gentlemen, muppets, bellends, absolute disasters, and whoever let Dave near the microphone— Welcome to the **INSULT ROAST TOUR!** No refunds. No dignity. And definitely no safe seating near the front. **Verse 1 — UK Stop** First stop Britain, grey sky overhead, Some bloke missed the bus and blamed everyone instead. “Oi, you absolute weapon!” echoes down the street, Someone called Gaz starts arguing with a parking meter at his feet. London says “mate” like a warning shot, Scotland says “cunt” whether you like it or not. Wales is laughing, Ireland’s joining in too, And some pissed bloke in Birmingham just yelled, “Who invited you?” **Pre-Chorus** Pack your ego, bring your pride, You’re gonna lose them both before tonight. Stamp the passport, board the flight, Every country’s got a roast lined up just right. **Chorus** It’s the **Insult Roast Tour**, Worldwide disgrace, Every country’s got a comeback Ready for your face. From London to Sydney, Toronto to Rome, You travelled round the whole damn world Just to get roasted far from home. It’s the **Insult Roast Tour**, No dignity allowed, You walk in like a legend, Then get humbled by the crowd. North, south, east, west, There’s nowhere left to hide, Your confidence flew first class— Your common sense missed the ride. **Verse 2 — Canada & America** Canada tried being polite: “Sorry, but you’re kind of a mess.” Which somehow hurts much more When they say it with kindness and stress. New York went, “Move, idiot, you’re blocking the street.” Texas looked you up and down and said, “Well bless your heart, sweet.” California smiled nicely, Then roasted you online, Florida did something so strange Nobody knew whose side was fine. **Tour Announcement** Attention passengers: The tour bus is currently delayed because Kevin tried to fight a vending machine. Kevin lost. The vending machine remains undefeated. **Verse 3 — Australia & New Zealand** Sydney looked you over and said, “Mate, what happened there?” Melbourne roasted your haircut Before you even found a chair. Australia doesn’t whisper, They’ll tell you straight away, If you’re acting like a dickhead You’ll probably hear it twice that day. New Zealand just stared, Then quietly delivered pain: “You’re not exactly the brightest bulb, bro.” And somehow you never recovered again. **Chorus** It’s the **Insult Roast Tour**, Worldwide disgrace, Every country’s got a comeback Ready for your face. From London to Sydney, Toronto to Rome, You travelled round the whole damn world Just to get roasted far from home. **Verse 4 — Europe** France gave one little shrug And somehow destroyed your soul, Germany made a spreadsheet Explaining every reason you’re a fool. Italy used both hands And shouted for ten minutes straight, Spain said, “You need cooking longer, mate, You’re clearly underbaked.” Norway found the sharpest knife— It definitely wasn’t you, Sweden checked the horses And discovered you were missing two. Finland checked the valley, The Moomins had all fled, Netherlands said, “Sharpest knife? Nah, mate, yours stayed in bed.” **Rap Break — Worldwide Rapid Fire** Britain: **muppet!** Scotland: **weapon!** Australia: **drongo!** Canada: “Sorry…but definitely no.” Germany: chart it. France: dramatic stare. Italy’s already shouting, Spain threw up both hands in despair. Japan: missed the train. Seoul: Wi-Fi brain. Brazil said your confidence Needs its own separate plane. India poured the chai, Said, “Give your thoughts some time.” Mexico watched your master plan Collapse before the first damn line. South Africa kept it simple: “Big mouth. Small clue.” Then the whole globe turned together and went: “Mate…what happened to you?” **BREAKING NEWS** We interrupt the Insult Roast Tour with an emergency update. A British tourist has attempted to roast an Australian. The Australian laughed. The British tourist has requested backup. Scotland is on the way. **Bridge** Your ego left London, Your pride died in France, Your logic got lost Somewhere outside Amsterdam. Your confidence reached Sydney, Your brain went to Peru, And nobody can explain Why neither travelled with you. **Final Chorus** It’s the **Insult Roast Tour**, Final boarding call, You came here feeling ten feet tall And left about this small. From rainy little Britain To every distant shore, Every country had one insult— Then came back with twenty more. It’s the **Insult Roast Tour**, Raise your pint and cheer, If you survived the roasting, Congratulations—you can leave through here. But before you go, The entire world has one final thing to say: Your comeback’s still buffering. Your brain’s still loading. Your ego’s overweight. And your two remaining brain cells are still fighting for third place.
