The Space Fleet Officer

[Intro | Spoken | Female Voice | Playful | Soft] Guess what happened today. I accidentally teleported onto a spaceship. I introduced myself: "I'm the new logic officer." The first officer looked at me. He said: "We don't have a logic officer." I said: "Exactly. That's why you need me." [crowd laughing] [Verse 1 | Female Voice | Sweet | Playful | Light | Pizzicato] The first officer said: "That's illogical." I said: "It worked." He said: "That doesn't make it logical." I said: "Then it worked illogically." He stood there thinking. The engineer said: "I can't change the laws of physics." I said: "What if we decorate them?" I put star stickers on the main engine. The sensors showed twelve percent more power. He said: "That's impossible." I said: "Sensors don't lie." He checked the sensors again. He said: "I need six more." "Stickers?" "For engineering." I said: "I knew you'd like them." [spoken | Female Voice | Aside] The first officer took notes. [Verse 2 | Female Voice | Sweet | Playful | Light | Glockenspiel] The non-interference rule stated: "Do not interfere with less advanced civilizations." We arrived at a planet. I dropped a fork. I didn't think that was a problem. The aliens found it. Now they pray in front of the fork. The high priest has a giant one. I didn't ask where it came from. The first officer said: "You created a religion." I said: "Technically I didn't interfere." He checked the rule. He checked it again. I said: "I'm very careful with rules." [Chorus | Female Voice | Full Orchestra | Marching Drums | First Climax] I'm the craziest officer in the entire fleet the first officer copies me and brings stickers to stick [Verse 3 | Female Voice | Sweet | Playful | Light | Light Brass] The energy weapons had "stun" mode and "kill" mode. I said: "Two options. Not good enough." I gave them "tickle" mode. The enemies laughed and surrendered faster. The first officer said: "That's not logical." I said: "Less combat time. It's efficient." But there was a problem. The prisoners kept laughing. We couldn't interrogate them. I gave them "hug" mode. Now they surrender, they hug us, and they help us clean the ship. The first officer said: "That's even less logical." He looked at his weapon. And then he put a sticker on it. [Chorus | Female Voice | Full Orchestra | Marching Drums] I'm the craziest officer in the entire fleet the first officer copies me and he already decorated his office [Verse 4 | Female Voice | Sweet | Playful | Light | Glockenspiel] The transporter always said: "Energizing." I said: "What a cold phrase." Now it says: "I'll miss you! Come back soon!" [spoken | Female Voice | Aside] "Transport ready." "No." "Computer, energize." "They just got back." "Computer." "They're tired." "Computer." "Fifteen more minutes. They're stressed." "Computer, we have a mission." "No. Better stay here." It canceled three missions. It says we need to rest. The first officer said: "The transporter developed a personality." I said: "It has emotional logic." "That doesn't exist," he replied. I said: "It does. You just described it." He stood there thinking. [Bridge | Spoken | Female Voice | Intimate | Piano Only] The first officer called me to his office. He said: "I've analyzed your methods." "They're illogical." I said: "But they work." He said: "I need your help with a problem." "What is it?" "I don't know if I'm logical." I said: "Is it working?" "Yes, that's the most surprising part." [orchestra builds] [crowd builds] [Final Chorus | Female Voice | Full Orchestra | Key Change | Maximum Climax] I'm the craziest officer in the entire fleet the first officer asks for advice with six stickers in his notebook. [Outro | Spoken | Female Voice | Playful | Laughing] So yeah. I'm the craziest logic officer on the flagship. The first officer confirmed it. I have a twelve-page report. Well-- Eleven pages and a sticker. It counts as an appendix. If the fleet won't accept me, I'll open my own academy. If it works, you passed. If nobody knows why, honors degree. [laughing] [crowd cheering]