Please Hold, This Song Is Confused

Style: Comedy / Novelty / Spoken Word / Experimental Pop Tempo: Medium Mood: Silly, chaotic, playful

[// I was hopeful with SFX 😂]
[Intro]
[SFX: squeaky rubber duck, aggressively close to the mic]
[DUCK]: squeeeek squeeek
[NARRATOR]:
Yeah… that’s the key we’re in.

[Verse 1]
First things first, wash the potatoes
Not emotionally, just with water
Boil them till tender, like your heart after therapy
Dice them up gently, they’ve been through enough
Add mayo, mustard, celery crunch
Salt, pepper, paprika if you’re feelin’ bold
Stir clockwise only, counterclockwise is chaos
This recipe has been in my family since Tuesday

[SFX: someone loudly eating a crunchy snack]

[NARRATOR (mouth full)]: Texture matters.

[Pre-Chorus]
Before we get to the hook
There will not be a hook
There will be animals
They did not consent to this

[Chorus]
[Literal animal noises instead of singing]
[COW]: mooooo
[GOAT]: maaAAaa
[CHICKEN]: bawk bawk bawk
[SEAL (for some reason)]: orp orp orp

[Verse 2 (Spoken-Rap Adjacent)]
My social security number is
🎶 beep beep BEEEEEP 🎶
—yeah, no, absolutely not
Nice try, song
We redact in this household
But what I will say
Is my toothpaste is Colgate Total
Not sponsored, just loyal
Minty fresh like bad decisions at 2 a.m.

[Bridge]
[SFX: bowling ball rolling…]
[CRASH! 🎳]
STRIKE!
Just like my productivity after lunch
[KAZOO SOLO (UNEXPECTED, BUT CONFIDENT)]
[Kazoo goes absolutely feral for 8 seconds]
🎶 WEEERRRNNN WAHHHH BRRRRNNNN 🎶
Crowd goes mild
Sudden Hard Cut

[WEATHER REPORTER VOICE]:
And now your local forecast
It’s raining sideways
Chance of thunder is 80%
Chance of this song making sense is 0%
Back to you.

[Breakdown (Aggressive Whisper)]
[(intense, whispered)]
You think garden gnomes are cute
But they’re watching
Little ceramic eyes
Judging your mulch choices
I know what you did with the azaleas

[Chorus (Again, But Louder Animals)]
[COW]: MOOOOOO
[PIG]: oink oink
[CAT]: uninterested meow
[HORSE]: existential whinny

[Outro (Spoken Word, Sincere)]
Hey… fern
I’m sorry I forgot to water you
I thought you liked indirect light
Turns out you like attention
That one’s on me

[SFX: rubber duck, one final squeak]
[NARRATOR]:
This has been music.

2096/7500

[// I was hopeful with SFX 😂] [Intro] [SFX: squeaky rubber duck, aggressively close to the mic] [DUCK]: squeeeek squeeek [NARRATOR]: Yeah… that’s the key we’re in. [Verse 1] First things first, wash the potatoes Not emotionally, just with water Boil them till tender, like your heart after therapy Dice them up gently, they’ve been through enough Add mayo, mustard, celery crunch Salt, pepper, paprika if you’re feelin’ bold Stir clockwise only, counterclockwise is chaos This recipe has been in my family since Tuesday [SFX: someone loudly eating a crunchy snack] [NARRATOR (mouth full)]: Texture matters. [Pre-Chorus] Before we get to the hook There will not be a hook There will be animals They did not consent to this [Chorus] [Literal animal noises instead of singing] [COW]: mooooo [GOAT]: maaAAaa [CHICKEN]: bawk bawk bawk [SEAL (for some reason)]: orp orp orp [Verse 2 (Spoken-Rap Adjacent)] My social security number is 🎶 beep beep BEEEEEP 🎶 —yeah, no, absolutely not Nice try, song We redact in this household But what I will say Is my toothpaste is Colgate Total Not sponsored, just loyal Minty fresh like bad decisions at 2 a.m. [Bridge] [SFX: bowling ball rolling…] [CRASH! 🎳] STRIKE! Just like my productivity after lunch [KAZOO SOLO (UNEXPECTED, BUT CONFIDENT)] [Kazoo goes absolutely feral for 8 seconds] 🎶 WEEERRRNNN WAHHHH BRRRRNNNN 🎶 Crowd goes mild Sudden Hard Cut [WEATHER REPORTER VOICE]: And now your local forecast It’s raining sideways Chance of thunder is 80% Chance of this song making sense is 0% Back to you. [Breakdown (Aggressive Whisper)] [(intense, whispered)] You think garden gnomes are cute But they’re watching Little ceramic eyes Judging your mulch choices I know what you did with the azaleas [Chorus (Again, But Louder Animals)] [COW]: MOOOOOO [PIG]: oink oink [CAT]: uninterested meow [HORSE]: existential whinny [Outro (Spoken Word, Sincere)] Hey… fern I’m sorry I forgot to water you I thought you liked indirect light Turns out you like attention That one’s on me [SFX: rubber duck, one final squeak] [NARRATOR]: This has been music.

0/500