Common Sense Department // FB3K Couch Prophet

[Ω::FLOWBOT3000] [ALTER_EGO::COUCH_PROPHET] [COUCH_PROPHET×WEST_COAST_G_FUNK×LAZY_COMEDIC_SWAGGER] [INTRO — CASUAL] I had an office job once. Briefly. Very educational. Mostly because I learned how little people think. [VERSE 1] Walk in at nine. Coffee in my hand. First question: “Hey, where's the printer?” I said, “It's next to the printer sign.” She said, “Which printer?” The one with the printer sign. I knew right then this was not my environment. Ten minutes later: “Can you send me that file?” “Which file?” “The one we talked about.” “We talked about six files.” “The important one.” Okay. Excellent. Very specific. [HOOK] I used to work with people asking questions that answered themselves. Every day, somebody needed help finding something right in front of them. I wasn't lazy. I was surrounded by preventable problems. [VERSE 2] Boss comes over. “Can you print this?” Sure. Printer's right there. “It's not working.” You press the button? “No.” Okay. That's a strong start. Then somebody asks me: “Are you busy?” I'm sitting at my desk. Working. Keyboard moving. Screen on. “Yeah.” “Oh. Okay. I needed something.” What? “I'll come back.” Why? You already came here. [PAUSE] This was the workplace. [VERSE 3] Lunch was the best part. Not because of the food. Because nobody could ask me to troubleshoot their brain. I sit down. Five minutes of peace. Then: “Hey, quick question.” No. There is no quick question. That's how they get you. “Do you know how to—” Yes. Probably. But now I don't. Because lunch has started. That's policy. [VERSE 4] One guy couldn't remember his own password. Every Monday. Same problem. Every Monday. “Can you reset it?” Sure. “What should I make it?” Something you can remember. “How about my birthday?” You forgot that last week. [LONG PAUSE] I started thinking maybe the password wasn't the problem. [HOOK] I used to work with people asking questions that answered themselves. Every day, somebody needed help finding something right in front of them. I wasn't lazy. I was surrounded by preventable problems. [VERSE 5 — SLIGHTLY DENSER] Then one afternoon somebody asked: “Do we have a meeting today?” I said, “Check the calendar.” She said, “Where's the calendar?” I said, “On your calendar.” She stared at me. I stared back. That was probably the most productive meeting we had all year. [VERSE 6] People say work builds character. Maybe. It also builds very specific frustrations. You start answering questions before they're asked. You hear footsteps and already know somebody forgot something. You see somebody walking toward your desk with that expression— that expression. The expression says: “I could probably figure this out myself, but I have decided that you are involved now.” That's when I knew. I wasn't meant for offices. [OUTRO — DEADPAN] Now I work from home. No printer questions. No meetings. No passwords. Just me. My couch. My Wi-Fi. And Mom asking why I haven't done the dishes. Honestly? Much more reasonable. [Ω::FLOWBOT3000]