[Spoken Intro] In the beginning... there was God. Which, linguistically speaking, is already a rather impressive job title. Lord. Ruler. Judge. Although nobody seems to remember who conducted the interview. Perhaps He simply looked around, realized He was the only responsible adult present, and said, "Fine. I'll do it." [Verse 1] Maybe He planned us from the start Maybe something went astray Maybe someone bumped the table On creation's seventh day Maybe angels watched in silence As we crawled up from the mud One said, "Should we put that back?" And someone answered, "Ask God." He looked down upon His creatures Running naked through the trees Eating things He specifically told them "Would you please just leave that be?" Then He sighed and grabbed a clipboard "Apparently these are mine. If I made them I'm responsible... So I guess I'll judge mankind." [Chorus] Somebody had to be the Judge Somebody had to draw the line Someone had to tell the monkeys "That's your neighbor's. That's not mine." Don't kill each other Don't steal his wife Maybe try appreciating life We called these revolutionary concepts "The commandments." There were ten. We still needed clarification. [Verse 2] But humans wanted other judges Something closer, something new Something that could tell us quickly What successful people do So we made ourselves a money god He judges what you're worth Then a beauty god who judges every face upon the Earth Then a status god who counts your friends A fashion god who changes trends A property god who checks your house And tells you you're successful if your neighbor's priced out [Pre-Chorus] We said, "We don't believe in gods anymore." Then checked our bank account to see how we should feel. [Chorus] Everybody's got a judge Everybody bends a knee Some bow down to heaven Some bow down to luxury Some need money Some need fame Some need everybody knowing their name Some say, "No god tells me what to do!" Then spend three hours changing clothes because strangers might judge their shoes. [Spoken Interlude] Humanity eventually became far too intelligent for primitive religion. Instead, we developed credit scores. These are completely different. One determines whether you've lived correctly according to an invisible authority... and the other... Never mind. [Verse 3] We built temples called the markets Where the numbers rise and fall And if Number goes up Tuesday We feel ten feet tall If Number crashes Wednesday We reconsider who we are Apparently enlightenment was just owning several cars Then came algorithms watching Everything we say and choose Quietly deciding What we see and what we lose We once feared an all-seeing God Who knew our every thought Now we carry one around And charge it every night. [Bridge] Funny thing about a judge is You decide whose court you're in Who defines your value? Who determines loss and win? Is it money? Is it pleasure? Is it strangers passing by? Is it followers and houses? Is it what your neighbors buy? Because man can reject heaven And declare himself completely free Then spend his whole existence asking: "Do they like me?" [Verse 4] Maybe God just took responsibility For something He had made Maybe that's what made Him Father Not the lightning or parade "I created you I'll guide you I'll correct you when you're wrong And someday you'll be responsible For what you've done all along." Humanity considered this. Then invented advertising. [Final Chorus] Somebody had to be the Judge Somebody had to draw the line But we found judges more convenient Who approve us every time Buy the house Buy the car Buy another thing to prove who you are Keep consuming Keep comparing Keep pretending no one's judging While a thousand little gods tell you exactly what you're worth. [Outro] And somewhere beyond the universe the original Judge looks down at humanity. Wealth judges us. Beauty judges us. Status judges us. Markets judge us. Algorithms judge us. Strangers judge us. And we proudly announce: "Thank God we don't worship gods anymore." ... There is presumably a very long silence in heaven. Followed by: "Are you sure these were intentional?" [Spoken] Earth. Still under review.
