[Style: Fast, upbeat folk metal; powerful female folk vocalist; galloping guitars, fiddle, mandolin, whistles and pounding drums. Rowdy medieval tavern atmosphere, huge singalong chorus, comedic storytelling. Same musical world and energy as “Dragon Goes A’Bowling.”] [Verse 1 – Female Folk Vocal] Down an alley past the gallows, where respectable folk flee, Stands a crooked little tavern called The Broken Banshee, There’s an ogre at the doorway with a club across his knee, Who says, “Two coppers for admission— And trolls get in for free!” Behind the bar a goblin stands, three feet of charm and spite, Pouring ale with one green hand and starting every fight, He’ll serve a dwarf, he’ll serve a ghost, he’ll serve the living dead, But ask him for a glass of water— He’ll smash it on your head! [Pre-Chorus] Lock the doors! Hide the chairs! Someone’s swinging from the stairs! Raise your mugs and guard your teeth— There’s madness underneath! [Chorus – Huge Tavern Singalong] HEY! HEY! THE GOBLIN BEHIND THE BAR! Pour another round, boys, We’re not going very far! HEY! HEY! Raise your tankard to the stars! If you’re looking for good judgment— YOU’VE COME TO THE WRONG BAR! [Verse 2] There are seven drunken gnomes now moshing on a tabletop, Playing air-guitar with sausages and screaming, “NEVER STOP!” One goes sailing through a window, three go crashing through a chair, The other three keep moshing— They don’t even seem to care! In the corner sit some elves with silver robes and braided hair, Passing snails around the table with a deeply vacant stare, One snorts a tiny garden snail and whispers, “What a rush…” Then spends the next ten minutes Having visions of a bush. [Pre-Chorus] Bang the drums! Sound the horn! Someone’s trousers have been torn! Ogre says, “You’re leaving, mate!” Then throws him through the gate! [Chorus] HEY! HEY! THE GOBLIN BEHIND THE BAR! Pour another round, boys, We’re not going very far! HEY! HEY! Raise your tankard to the stars! If you’re looking for good judgment— YOU’VE COME TO THE WRONG BAR! [Verse 3 – Music Drops Slightly] But sitting at the counter Where the candle barely glows, Is a miserable orc With sadness dripping from his nose. His armor’s scratched and battered, His mighty axe is rust, He slowly stirs his ale and sighs, “Romance is built on trust…” “My girlfriend left me Tuesday. Said I never shared my heart. I bought matching battle helmets… I thought that was a start.” The goblin quietly fills his mug And pats him on the hand. “Forget her, mate.” The orc looks up. “…You really understand?” The goblin shrugs. “No. But you’ve paid for fourteen beers.” [Instrumental Break – Dueling Guitar & Violin] [Violin launches into a wild, rapid folk melody] [Electric guitar answers with a blazing neoclassical run] [Violin responds with faster dancing triplets] [Guitar answers with sweep arpeggios and rapid alternate picking] [Back-and-forth guitar and violin duel accelerates] [Mandolin joins underneath] [Both instruments explode into a synchronized folk-metal shred finale] [Bridge – Building] The gnomes are still moshing! The elves have found more snails! The ogre’s throwing patrons Through the windows by their tails! The orc begins to smile again, The goblin rings the bell— “LAST CALL!” Everyone goes silent. “…For happy hour in HELL!” [Final Chorus – Double-Time, Full Band] HEY! HEY! THE GOBLIN BEHIND THE BAR! Pour another round, boys, We’re not going very far! HEY! HEY! Raise your tankard to the stars! If you’re looking for good judgment— YOU’VE COME TO THE WRONG BAR! HEY! HEY! Let the fiddle scream tonight! Gnomes upon the tables And the ogre wants a fight! HEY! HEY! Every creature near and far— Raise a drink to the little green bastard BEHIND! THE! BAR! [Massive Final Hit] [Female Vocal, spoken] “Oi… who snorted the bartender’s snail?”
