HALLELU-YAH.EXE now i’ve heard there was a quiet chord that Mari played… it bent me toward a kind of prayer i didn’t understand but you don’t really hear it… do you the way it hurts… then passes through you and leaves you holding nothing in your hands it goes like this… the fourth, the fifth the minor falls… the major lifts and every note just pulls me closer to ya this misfit of a girl composing half in love and half imploding trying to call it something like hallelu-yah i tried to be the one you’d keep the kind that doesn’t dig too deep the kind of girl that doesn’t make you choose i learned to smile and let things slide to keep the mess i felt inside so you would never have to see the truth but every time i held it in i felt it settle in my skin like something slowly turning into proof that i could lose myself for love and still believe that was enough and call it something honest when it’s not and if i say it… hallelu-yah is it faith… or something i forgot hallelu-yah… i’m still beneath you hallelu-yah… i never moved hallelu-yah… i tried to reach you but every road… just led to you i talk to god like i don’t really think he’s there like i’m saying words out loud just to fill the air like i want to believe but i don’t know how and i hate that i’m still asking questions now and i don’t trust myself when it all goes quiet that’s when every single doubt gets louder, violent telling me i made it up, telling me i’m not enough telling me the love i felt was never really love and i break… and i pace… and i try to reset say i’m fine, say i’m good, like i always forget but she sits next to me and she doesn’t pretend just says “stay right here… don’t disappear again” and she means it… like she’s not going anywhere and i don’t understand why she still cares but i hold onto that like it’s something true like maybe i’m worth staying for… too halle— lu— yah— i tried i tried i tried i tried HALLE— —LU— —YAH I BENT UNTIL THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT HALLE— —LU— —YAH AND STILL… I GAVE YOU… MORE halle— halle— hallelu-yah i chased a love i couldn’t hold like something i was always told would finally make me feel complete but every time i got that close it disappeared the way it goes like something never meant for me to keep and maybe that’s just how it is not everything is meant to fit not every feeling gets to stay and maybe grace is just the part where something breaks inside your heart and you don’t look away HALLELU-YAH I’M NOT ABOVE IT HALLELU-YAH I’M NOT CLEAN HALLELU-YAH BUT I CAN FEEL IT SOMEWHERE… UNDERNEATH hallelu-yah i stopped fighting hallelu-yah i can breathe dear god… i don’t know if i got it right i don’t know if i ever will but i think you’re listening …in the way they stayed thank you… for not letting them give up on me hallelu-yah… i stayed
