For Mama

[Verse 1 — solo piano, softly] I used to picture Mama In a room I've never seen, Holdin' somethin' far too quiet Where her whole wide world had been. Beggin', please, to anybody, To the ceiling, God, or air, Give me one more little heartbeat. I'll give anything, I swear. And I wonder how long seconds Had to feel before I breathed. How frightened ya must've been, Mama... To make a promise there for me. [Verse 2 — delicate acoustic guitar] I was angry when they told me. God, I wanted to stay mad. Wanted everything to be as simple As she gave away what wasn't hers to hand. Something mine before I knew it. Something only I should choose. And ya promised it away, Mama, 'Cause ya couldn't stand to lose. There's an anger in me still, child. I won't lie and say it's gone. 'Cause I'm grateful for each morning... And furious at the price. How do I condemn the reason why? [Pre-Chorus — strings barely enter] Maybe there weren't any good choices. There was only what ya couldn't bear... And what ya chose for me. [Chorus — restrained, aching] Oh, Mama, Were ya scared when I opened me eyes? Did ya laugh? Did ya cry? Did ya thank every star in the sky? Did ya hold me against ya And promise I'd always be free, Knowin' somewhere in the darkness What ya'd promised for me? Oh, Mama, I have hated what ya did. But I can't hate the woman Who just wanted to know her kid. And every year I've gotten older, There's one thing I understand: Sometimes love is bein' terrified... And reachin' out yer hand. [Verse 3] Daddy built his little fortress. My brothers watched the boys around me Like a kiss could tempt me fate. And I blamed 'em when I learned it. Sure, I blamed ya most of all. For buildin' half me life around A debt I couldn't recall. But ya watched me learn the piano. Ya heard every bloody song. Ya watched green-haired little Chloe Grow up stubborn, loud and strong. Ya saw me win beneath those lights. Ya watched me leave yer door. And maybe every beautiful thing Just made ya frightened more. [Pre-Chorus] 'Cause every year I became someone Ya hadn't gotten to meet before. And every year ya got another reason To be terrified of what was waitin' at the door. [Chorus] Oh, Mama, Were ya scared every time that I grew? Every birthday another little thing That ya'd begged the world to let ya do? Did ya look at me singin' And wonder how much time we'd won? Did ya look at every road before me And fear where one might run? Oh, Mama, I have hated what ya chose. But I've lived inside the answer And every year I've gotten older, There's one thing I understand: Sometimes love is bein' terrified... And reachin' out yer hand. [Bridge — everything falls away except piano] I understand something now, Mama. God, I wish I didn't. [pause] I know what it's like To imagine someone Who might've had my eyes. I know what it's like To build a whole tomorrow And watch tomorrow die. I know what it's like to want to see To wonder what they'd laugh like. What they'd love. What songs they'd hum. [voice breaks] And I know what it's like To love that possibility Enough that it becomes real. Real enough to leave an empty place. [long pause] And I know what it's like to be afraid Of what that life could've become. Of what might've looked back through those eyes. Of whether it'd still be... [quietly] ...mine. [instrumental silence] So I understand ya now, Mama. But I'm still bloody angry [Verse 4] Would I make the choice ya made? I've asked meself a thousand nights. Would I bargain with the darkness If it promised one thing right? Would I give away tomorrow For one heartbeat here today? Would I damn the woman she'd become So the little girl could stay? [pause] No. That's the answer I keep givin'. I wouldn't make yer choice. [softly] But I've learned there's quite a distance Between an answer... And a voice Beggin' someone that ya love To please just breathe. [Pre-Chorus] So maybe I don't forgive the bargain. Maybe I never will. But I forgive the frightened woman Who would've promised more than hell To feel her daughter breathe. [Final Chorus] Oh, Mama, I was angry for so long. Thought forgiving meant admitting That what happened wasn't wrong. But I can hate the chain ya gave me And still cherish every link That carried me through nineteen years To stand here now and think. Oh, Mama, I got yer wish. I've sung beneath the brightest lights. I've lived. … I've died. But I’m here I've learned why mothers fear the night. And if ya ask me was it worth it— God, I don't know what I'd say. But I'm grateful that ya wanted me Enough to beg me here to stay. [music pulls back] And I'm angry that ya promised mine. And I love ya anyway. [Outro — solo piano] I still picture Mama In that room I've never seen. Holdin' all the life she wanted Where the silence shouldn't be. And I don't hear a bargain now. Not first. Not anymore. I hear a frightened woman whisper— Please. [pause] Just give me one breath more. And somewhere in that room, Mama... I did. [very softly] This one's for you.