[Intro — Cheap Scanner Beeps, Dark Piano] [Robotic scanner muttering indistinct diagnostic data] [Scanner glitches while attempting to classify the subject] [Error Tone] [Scanner produces a ridiculous failed soul-detection error] [Beat Drops] [Verse 1] Met a dude at Walmart, said the weather looked nice. I said, “Suspicious. Nobody normal is that polite.” Asked him what he dreams about. He said, “Mostly work.” I whispered to my notebook: BACKGROUND CHARACTER CONFIRMED. Lady at the counter couldn't picture an apple. OH MY WORD. CALL THE PREACHER. No pictures in your head? Guess your soul got repossessed. Apparently imagination is a metaphysical body scan. Bro, we started with cognition— HOW'D WE GET TO GENESIS? [Hook] NPC DETECTOR! BEEP BEEP BEEP! Everybody's fake except the guy who cannot sleep! He agrees? AWAKE! He disagrees? PROGRAMMED! He argues really well? ADVANCED MODEL! DAMN! NPC DETECTOR! WHAT A MACHINE! Every answer proves what I already believe! If nothing in creation can prove my theory wrong— I didn't build a detector. I BUILT A YES-MACHINE. [Verse 2] Twenty-six percent intuitive? Twenty-five percent this? Twenty-something somewhere else? BRO, LOOK AT THIS! Same percentage! Case closed! Bring the corkboard! Different sample. Different question. Different population. But the numbers look spooky when they're standing in formation. Twenty-five! Twenty-six! Twenty-three! Apparently statistics now perform numerology. Peer review? Nah. THE VIBES ALIGNED. [Verse 3] Ancient Gnostics had categories. True. Hylic. Psychic. Pneumatic too. Some ancient groups believed it. That doesn't mean God revealed it. Found an esoteric webpage saying puppet people. Then another webpage quoted those people. Independent confirmation? No, brother. That's two browser tabs sharing custody of one rumor. [Hook] NPC DETECTOR! BEEP BEEP BEEP! He follows social customs? NPC! He acts unique? DEEP-COVER NPC! He says, PLEASE STOP CALLING ME A BIOLOGICALLY EMPTY SHELL. DEFENSIVE SUBROUTINE! SEE?! NPC DETECTOR! NEVER TAKES AN L! Every contradiction gets absorbed into the spell! If disagreement is evidence and agreement's evidence too— Congratulations. Nothing can falsify you. [Beat Stops] That's not a test. That's fan fiction wearing safety goggles. [Verse 4 — Faster] Mandela Effect! Timeline patch! You remember it different? You're spiritually intact! You remember it correctly? Matrix downloaded your patch! Convenient little theory— Heads I win. Tails you're an android. Terminal lucidity? Fascinating case. Questions about mind deserve serious space. But saying consciousness may be more complex doesn't equal Dave from accounting has no soul in his chest. That's a leap. That's a canyon. That's Evel Knievel theology. [Dark Choir] PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM THE METAPHYSICS. [Bridge — Gospel Piano] Scripture calls mankind made in God's image. One blood, nations spread through the earth. It distinguishes wicked and righteous, carnal and spiritual, blindness and rebirth. But spiritually blind doesn't mean human-shaped furniture. A sinner is still a person before God. You don't get permission to erase someone's humanity because they don't think the way you thought they ought. [Choir] MADE AFTER THE SIMILITUDE OF GOD. [Lead] So maybe don't call your neighbor an appliance. [Final Verse] Then I built the ultimate scanner. Chrome case. Red lights. Twelve antennas. Holy-water cupholder. I pointed it at strangers. BEEP! NPC! BEEP! NPC! BEEP! NPC! My confidence grew. My methodology died. Then somebody said, SCAN YOURSELF. [Music Stops] Excuse me? [Scanner emits rapid diagnostic noises] [Scanner begins analyzing the operator] [Scanner warning tones intensify] [Lead] Turn that thing off. [Scanner indicates possible confirmation bias] [Lead] I SAID TURN IT OFF! [Scanner alarms intensify] YOU SON OF A— [Massive Choir and Beat Drop] [Final Hook] NPC DETECTOR! BEEP BEEP BEEP! Maybe the machine was measuring me! I wanted secret knowledge. I wanted the elite. Wanted everybody programmed so I could feel unique. NPC DETECTOR! THROW IT IN THE BIN! You cannot see another person's soul by how they think within. Different minds are different. Strange ain't less human. Mystery isn't license to declare somebody vacant. Test the evidence. Watch your pride. Don't build a doctrine where compassion goes to die. [Outro — Scanner Powering Down] [Computer asks whether a soulless human can actually be identified] [Long Pause] No. [Scanner powers down] Then stop putting NPC on your neighbors. [Quiet Piano] Prove all things. Hold fast that which is good. And maybe... before diagnosing the entire human race— check the guy holding the scanner.
