# RADIO APOCALYPSE ## THE TRUMP INDEX *[clinical laboratory hum… a Geiger counter begins clicking…]* **LUCID ONE:** For centuries, humanity has struggled with a serious scientific problem. How do you measure **weird?** We tried *normal.* We tried *abnormal.* We tried *sane* and *insane.* But these were comparisons, not measurements. There was no meter. No instrument. No internationally recognized unit of— **WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?** Until now. Ladies and gentlemen, Radio Apocalypse proudly introduces: ## THE TRUMP INDEX. A standardized measurement of **public presidential anomaly.** Important scientific note: The Trump Index does **not** measure mental illness. It measures something much easier to observe: **How far did that just wander from ordinary reality?** *[DING]* ### ONE TRUMP. Minor atmospheric disturbance. An unusual adjective. A story nobody asked for. A sentence takes an unexpected exit but eventually finds the highway again. **Completely survivable.** ### THREE TRUMPS. Noticeable turbulence. The original question has disappeared. A person, country, appliance, fish, building, or historical figure has unexpectedly entered the conversation. Reporters begin looking at one another. Someone whispers: **“Did he just say that?”** ### FIVE TRUMPS. We have entered the clarification zone. Within fifteen minutes, three officials appear on television to explain that what you heard— was not precisely what you heard. Markets hesitate. Diplomats reach for their phones. The White House issues a statement beginning: **“What the President meant was—”** *[ALARM BEEPS]* ### SEVEN TRUMPS. International event. Nobody knows whether the United States has just announced a policy, canceled a policy, renamed something, threatened somebody, purchased something, or simply had a thought out loud. Foreign ministries activate translators. Not language translators. **Reality translators.** ### NINE TRUMPS. Severe reality displacement. The statement is now simultaneously: official policy, a joke, a negotiating tactic, fake news, completely serious, and something he never said— despite the video. Scientists advise remaining indoors and avoiding cable television. And finally— ### TEN TRUMPS. The theoretical maximum. The measuring equipment begins smoking. The fact-checkers evacuate. The teleprompter requests asylum. The dictionary closes itself. And somewhere deep beneath Washington— the National Institute of Standards and Technology quietly announces: **“We have lost the unit.”** *[long silence]* But Lucid would add something here. Because underneath the comedy is the interesting part. The question isn't: **Is this person sane?** You don't know. I don't know. And shouting diagnoses at one another doesn't make us more perceptive. Ask something much simpler: **What happened?** What was actually said? What was actually done? What became policy? What changed in your life? And what was merely another enormous flashing object demanding— **LOOK AT ME.** Because perhaps the most important measurement isn't the Trump Index at all. Perhaps it's the **Attention Index.** How many minutes of your consciousness did today's spectacle purchase? Ten? Sixty? Six hours? Did it change anything? Or did it simply keep you staring at the meter? *[Geiger counter slows… click…… click……… click.]* You don't have to diagnose the noise. You don't even have to oppose the noise. You can recognize it. Measure it. Laugh. And then— **move your attention.** *[CLICK. Radio switches off.]* **This is Radio Apocalypse.** **Please return your measuring instruments to zero.**
