[INTRO – Whistle melody with record scratches and EKG beeps] Doot-doo-doo, I lost a lung— But I still taste cinnamon buns! (cheering SFX) [VERSE 1 – Chipper Male Vocalist] Slipped in the shower on synth-soap slick, Cracked my skull on a wall of brick! Before I could blink or mutter “ow,” I was airlifted out with a painless wow! The trauma doc winked, “You’re good to go— We patched your spleen and your frontal lobe!” I don’t try ta stress it, it's just reboot— That’s what I get with Neural Uplink, version two! [VERSE 2 – Even Peppier Now] I fell on a trophy I’d just been awarded, Lodged somewhere, uh... unafforded! The nurse just smiled, “It’s in pretty deep— But we’ll slice it out while you’re put to sleep!” I got hit by a tram full of children and nuns, Then peppered up by some automated guns! But I woke up fresh, with a fruit parfait— The chip rerouted all my pain away! [PRE-CHORUS – Half-spoken like a charming 50s adman] Some say I’m reckless, others say bold— I don't have to fret about doing what I'm told! I say, “Why worry so much with the best safety net?” The Neural Uplink Two is the best Guardian yet! [CHORUS – Brass, whistle, male chorus, kids cheering] Still kickin’, still grinnin’, still fine as wine! Even flatlined once and I still got to work in time! When life throws cars, or chain-letter pipe bomb, I bounce right back, and I keep my calm! (bing!) I’m not afraid of a meteor strike, ‘Cause I got backup… from a satellite! So shoot me, drop me, send in a bear— My trauma team lands midair! (whoosh! crash! applause) [VERSE 3 – Rising energy, more absurdity] True I got pushed from a window on level 88, Landed like a bug it splatted me great. Got mugged, then stabbed by a thug fulla zeal— Now I'm half cybernetic but at least I still feel! Once swallowed a fork to impress a girl, choked on it hard and fell for a whirl, Got three new lungs and a laser-guided spleen— And somehow, I'm better off being half machine! [BRIDGE – Key change, kids and backup singers join] I lit a match in a gas-filled cave, Fell through the floor cause of how heavy I weigh, Woke up sipping tea in though must be my tomb, Said “Is this heaven?” They said, “Nope—yer hospital room!” [CHORUS – Bigger, brassier, brighter] Still kickin’, still thriving, still oddly buff— Even survived when I ate weird stuff! I was dead for six and a half minutes sure— But now my brain has chrome and motor on board! (ding-ding!) They tried to Shoot me, drown me, left me for dead— Its not gonna take, is what my good doctor said. With Neural Uplink, I just don’t lose! Best insurance plan, the one you'll choose! (freeze-frame, fireworks) OUTRO – Spoken Male Voice, cheery but unhinged] “Neural Satellite Uplink v2.3 — Because dying is just a downgrade.” “Coverage provided by Apex Trauma Response. Side effects include: delusions of immortality, escalating hospital bills, and legally changing your name to ‘Bulletproof Steve.’”
