Dear U.S. citizens, Your residency retention tax is due. Payment must be immediate. Cryptocurrency is preferred for tax purposes, And may be eligible for a discounted rate, If and when we feel like it. Please see attached Dermahue™ chart for your rate. Remember: tanning is no excuse! This administration would once again like to congratulate Last month’s winners of the Produce Lottery – It is understood that the tomatoes Weren’t as overripe as in the previous drawings. Congratulations! Be advised that the Produce Lottery Is suspended Until such time as The labor camps are restocked With fresh “voluntary” homeless, And the remaining political agitators. Citizens, The rumors of a deadly strain of measles Continue to be false! The cities of Houston, Dallas, New Orleans, Detroit, Chicago, and Boston are fine! All should be back online shortly, And as vigorous and SAFE as ever! Remember, If you believe that you have seen a measles death, Report immediately to The nearest labor camp. Thanksgiving will remain on hold until We get New York City back from the Canadians. Negotiations are ongoing And we expect the native New Yorkers To stop voting Canada And accept the shipment of Teslas As soon as next week. We know there is no need to remind our citizens That the elections are ten days away, And that we may allow a second party To vote for us as well. Congratulations on our upcoming victory! Unfortunately, No administration personnel Have scheduled public appearances, And will not do so Until the working class Stops attacking. GOD BLESS THE USA! GOD BLESS THE ADMINISTRATION! REMAIN IN YOUR HOMES UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
