The Bedtime Protocol

The iPad is sitting at four percent We’re dangerously close to a large event A lecture on the physics of a Minecraft skin The nightly battle is about to begin We have sixty seconds left on the clock Before they hit a mental block And realize with a sudden dread They need a cracker in their bed. I told the seven-year-old that water Is banned by a government border order He didn't buy it, but he paused Considering the trouble caused I hid the Switch in the vegetable bin To let them play would be a sin I put the comics on the highest shelf I hid the chairs to save myself. Are we terrible people? (No, we are survivalists!) We do what we must to keep the peace To get a moment of release We need an hour to stare at the wall Before we answer the morning call! If we miss the window, the questions start "Where does the blood go inside my heart?" "Why are your feet so strange and wide?" "What happens to the bugs outside?" I don't know, son! Just close your eyes! Don't listen to my desperate lies! Just go to sleep so I can be a person again! Before I count to ten! Did you check the bladder status? We don't need a leak to come get at us If they didn't go, we’re looking at doom A flooded mattress in the room. I asked the ten-year-old if he had to go He looked at me and he told me "No" He said "My body is a temple, Father" He said walking there was too much bother I think he’s lying, I think he’s full I think he’s giving me the bull! Check the perimeter! Lock the gate! If they get a Second Wind, it’s far too late! If they get a Second Wind, they get the strength of ten men! They’ll want to build a tower in the den! They’ll want to discuss the political climate! They’ll start acting like a feral primate! They’ll want a glass of milk with three specific cubes! I'm gonna tie my tubes! If we miss the window, the questions start "Do fish have feelings in their heart?" "Who invented the color blue?" "Can I sit up and watch you chew?" (No!) I don't know, son! Just close your eyes! Don't listen to my desperate lies! Just go to sleep so I can be a person again! Go! Go! (Slam!) "I think I heard a sneeze..."