[Intro: cheerful acoustic guitar, handclaps, slightly off-key male vocal] My Frend, he is a guy My Friend, he gets real high My Friend, he know little words My Friend, is fond of little birds... (Well, that's nice.) [Verse 1: bouncy folk-rock, conversational delivery] My Friend, he owns a chair My Friend, he puts it over there My Friend, he likes a snack My Friend, he puts it in his backpack My Friend, he has two shoes My Friend, he watches the news My Friend, he once saw a bee He said, "That bee looks just like me." (What?) My Friend, he knows a man Who knows a guy named Stan Stan has got a boat But Stan cannot swim or float My Friend, he bought a hat My Friend, he sat on that My Friend, he said, "Oh dear" Then wore the hat upon his rear [Chorus: ridiculous barbershop harmonies, enthusiastic group vocals] MY FRIEND! (MY FRIEND!) HE'S A VERY SPECIAL GUY! MY FRIEND! (MY FRIEND!) HE CAN TELL A BUTTERFLY! MY FRIEND! (MY FRIEND!) HE CAN COUNT TO NUMBER THREE! ONE! TWO! THREE! (THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME!) Oh, my Friend, he's doing fine He ate a grape in '89 My Friend, he's doing well He once rang a dinner bell! [Instrumental: jaunty banjo, kazoo solo, handclaps —12s] [Verse 2: faster, increasingly absurd] My Friend, he likes the ducks My Friend, he drives a truck My Friend, he parks it in the grass Then wonders why he cannot pass My Friend, he knows the moon He says he'll visit there real soon He packed a sandwich and a fork But forgot the rocket at New York My Friend, he has a plan To become a weather man He looked outside and said, "It's wet." It wasn't raining yet. My Friend, he likes small things Like tiny hats and miniature kings He bought a little wooden horse And named it Dennis, of course My Friend, he talks to ants He says they need better pants He gave one ant a little sock The ant declined. (The ant was shocked.) [Spoken: dramatic documentary narrator] And here we observe the Friend In his natural habitat. He has located a cracker. He is attempting to negotiate with it. [Pause] The cracker has won. [Chorus: full group, bigger and more ridiculous] MY FRIEND! (MY FRIEND!) HE'S A VERY SPECIAL GUY! MY FRIEND! (MY FRIEND!) HE CAN TELL A BUTTERFLY! MY FRIEND! (MY FRIEND!) HE CAN COUNT TO NUMBER THREE! ONE! TWO! THREE! (THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME!) Oh, my Friend, he's doing fine He ate a grape in '89 My Friend, he's doing well He once rang a dinner bell! [Verse 3: country shuffle, increasingly theatrical] My Friend, he has a spoon He uses it to eat the moon Not the real moon, that's too far He means the cheese inside his car My Friend, he likes to cook He never uses any book He put some beans inside a shoe And said, "This tastes like barbecue." My Friend, he met a girl Who had a very curly curl He said, "Hello, my name is Dave." She said, "Your name is not Dave." My Friend, he bought a fish He made a very special dish The fish was swimming in a bowl My Friend was eating cereal My Friend, he took a test He tried his very, very best The question said, "What is a tree?" He wrote, "A plant with aspirations, probably." (That's a good answer.) [Bridge: sudden dramatic orchestral ballad, sincere male vocal] And when the world is much too loud And all the people form a crowd When life gets strange and things go wrong My Friend will sing his little song... (What song?) [Spoken: solemnly] The one about the birds. [Build: handclaps, banjo, group vocals] My Friend likes birds! (HE LIKES BIRDS!) My Friend likes cheese! (HE LIKES CHEESE!) My Friend has knees! (HE HAS KNEES!) My Friend says please! (WHEN HE REMEMBERS!) [Breakdown: absurdly heavy metal guitars, shouted vocals] HE'S GOT A CHAIR! HE'S GOT A HAT! HE'S GOT A FISH! HE'S GOT A CAT! HE'S GOT A SPOON! HE'S GOT A SHOE! HE'S GOT A FRIEND! (WHO?) YOU! [Final Chorus: triumphant, massive gang harmonies] MY FRIEND! (MY FRIEND!) HE'S A VERY SPECIAL GUY! MY FRIEND! (MY FRIEND!) HE CAN TELL A BUTTERFLY! MY FRIEND! (MY FRIEND!) HE CAN COUNT TO NUMBER THREE! ONE! TWO! THREE! (HE'S JUST LIKE YOU AND ME!) My Friend, he is a guy My Friend, he gets real high My Friend, he know little words My Friend, is fond of little birds! [Outro: acoustic guitar, slowing down] My Friend, he went away He said he'd be back someday He left his hat upon the floor And walked directly through the door My Friend, he is a guy... (He's a guy.) My Friend... (He's still a guy.) [Spoken: whispered, concerned] I think he took my spoon. [Final kazoo note —5s]
